Greater Pleasure from Self Pleasuring (Advice for women)

Greater pleasure from self-pleasuring – advice for women

You might have discovered places on your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very pleasurable.

On the other hand, you might feel that nothing you’ve done has resulted in the pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some processes begin imperceptibly.

(Think about how you begin to lose weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your process of change is unique and it doesn’t matter if it takes time. Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that last.

Quite likely you’ll have experienced something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That’s normal, and it’s part of being a woman.

Try to develop an ability to enjoy the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you’re not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you’re learning more about yourself.

Blockages to Arousal

Every difficult or challenging experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that is.

Have you had a stressful day? Did something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMS?

Understanding the things that affect you is really helpful, because sex – with yourself as well as with someone else – rarely works well if you’re stressed. So at these times do something else which helps you relax and feel better.

And ironically sometimes taking the pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication of whether they are likely to get aroused or not.

If you do feel in the mood and begin to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters?

Did your clitoris become too sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused woman to reach stages like a ‘plateau’ and need to rest for a few moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too! It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a little break every so often.

Self-pleasuring for women

If you are really becoming very aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a ‘plateau’, where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don’t worry! It will always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to re-generate arousal.

What if nothing much is happening?

If your practice so far has been pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new sensations, do continue.

Be gentle with yourself and expect it to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for some people. This is an aspect of the Feeling Body archetype. You may not be familiar with the concept of archetypes but they are a useful way of partitioning the activities of the body and mind into different functions. It’s a model which allows us to explore not only how we think and feel, but also how we behave and why our body may not be giving us the pleasure and satisfaction that we desire.

Much of our sexual and romantic energy is stored in the Lover archetype – also known as the Feeling Body. This name is a new concept which build on the idea of archetypes presented in the book King Warrior Magician Lover. You can see the evolution of the concept of the Lover into the concept of the Feeling Body here.

This is an aspect of shadow work (see this for more on shadow work) – shadow being made up of the parts of ourselves that we hide and deny during childhood. As you may well imagine, much of our difficulty around sex comes from childhood issues (read about that here). However, it is possible to rebalance the Lover or Feeling Body archetype and enjoy sexual pleasure at any time of life.

For some women sex has been something which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual process.

Take your time, and also choose your time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just your genitals.

Experience the different sensations and don’t feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not about success or failure. It’s more like a journey where you’ll pass through many different places. Provided what you’re doing is not painful or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than sexual growth.

Focusing on the Positive

After your next session of self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most? What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected? Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you clues for your next session.

For example, if you find you prefer touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris, then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether it’s the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs doesn’t matter.

Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm.

Sex After Fifty

Men and sex after fifty

Most men in their fifties experience a gradual decline in fertility. In other words, their semen does not contain sufficient sperm or sufficiently healthy sperm to ensure that every time they make love to a woman in conditions otherwise favorable for conception, they would get her pregnant. Nevertheless, a lot of men in their sixties and seventies become fathers.

But even if a man produces no sperm at all, his sexual desire and his sexual ability to have satisfying orgasms do not disappear. The latter, however, is dependent upon his being able to have an erection. Unfortunately there are many possible problems: erectile dysfunction, weak erections that do not allow the penis to enter the vagina, delayed ejaculation, and oddly a reversion to a condition of the ardent days of youth, namely, premature ejaculation; all these are the troubles that beset the middle-aged male – or, more generally, the man seeking to enjoy sex after he is fifty or older.

There is a slowing-down in the frequency of sexual desire as well. If the man who made love four times a week in his peak years can, at fifty or sixty, make love satisfactorily both for himself and for his partner twice a week he is doing well: he is not the approaching the end of sexual activity.

However, he may feel emasculated by this reduction in sexual activity, and this can further undermine his sexual desire, his physical responses and his sexual performance.

A lot of men’s partial or complete impotence and of weak erections is due to anxiety – for example, anxiety about becoming impotent. In other words, a vicious circle develops, in which fear of becoming impotent actually creates impotence.

There’s also a need for good general health to ensure normal, healthy middle-aged sexual functioning. If a man’s general health is not so great, his sexual health is bound to suffer too. This, in its turn, adds to the psychological effects.

A Case History – the Story Of John and Katy

Some of these issues of sex after fifty occurred in the case of John & Katy. John was fifty-seven. He had been married for thirty-one years, and though the marriage had not been wildly romantic, his relationship with his wife had been a happy one. She was two years younger than he, and was completely over her menopause by fifty-one. She was also an intelligent woman, and had decided that she was going to respond to the changes with a new lease of life, gaining new qualifications and new employment.

When they’d married in their middle twenties, John and Katy had sex three or four times a week. John had been a capable lover: Katy had no complaints on that score, though she later admitted to me there had been times when she had wished for more exciting lovemaking, though not often.

After her menopause she gradually began to realize that she was becoming more preoccupied with thoughts of sex than she had been at any time during her earlier life, and her sexual desire was also increasing.

She was aroused more often, wanted to make love more often, and also wanted a deeper sexual experience than she had had before. John, on the other hand, had fallen into the habit of making love to her only on Saturdays or Sundays, perhaps every two weeks or so.

Video – sex after 50

Katy would have made love every other day if she’d had the opportunity, but she did not criticize John for his lack of desire, accepting that his greatly increased responsibilities at work made him too tired for lovemaking during the week. However, this did not solve the problem of her increased desire, and after a time, she made one or two tentative approaches.

To her delight John responded, but on a couple of occasions rebuffed her gently but firmly. Her successes, however, encouraged her to a strong desire for oral sex. John was surprised, but delighted. On the other hand, he suddenly realized that Katy had changed.

For the first time for a long time, he really noticed how attractive she was, and it struck him that she was much more sexually active after fifty than she had ever been before. His work was tiring and he often had to bring a case full of papers home with him, and by bedtime all he wanted to do was sleep. That is what he had been doing: but now he was aware that he ought to pay more attention to the new Katy.

But he could not readjust to her increased desire for sex straightaway, and, in fact, though he kept telling himself he really ought to do something about it, he never did. Then another incident occurred. He went to bed very tired one night, and when Katy wanted to make love to him, he refused, turned over on his side and went to sleep.

A little later he awoke, and became conscious that Katy was masturbating. As a result of this incident he was shaken out of his rut. He really would do something about it. But almost immediately the increase in Katy’s desire for lovemaking struck him even more forcibly than before, and in a moment of panic he thought, “What if I can’t keep pace with her?”

Instead of telling himself that he would have no problem, he let the idea begin to get to him, and when he finally did take the opportunity to make love to her, he had some difficulty in getting a really firm erection, and this added to his anxiety.

Sex After Fifty – Video

Then the sex was a failure in his eyes, because, for the first time in thirty years, he ejaculated as she touched his penis to guide it into her vagina. This was a fatal experience. Almost every time, for several months when they made love, he either ejaculated prematurely or he could not get a firm enough erection to penetrate her. He did not even get an erection from fellatio. For a time both were depressed, but as it turned out, there was no need for him to consult a counselor. He was able to get back to normal when he got his confidence back. Fear of failure really does breed failure.

Viagra can help enormously!

One or two experiences of getting an erection with the help of Viagra can really boost a man’s confidence and make it possible for him to make love with confidence after a spell with erectile problems that are psychologically based.

Male hormone deficiency

In cases where a man is impotent, or has weak erections or retarded or premature ejaculation, and there is no traceable psychological origin, there may also be a definite absence of sexual desire. This stems from the fact that the testosterone output of the testicles which control sexual desire has greatly depreciated or ceased altogether.

This lack of hormone production can be corrected by testosterone replacement therapy. So there is really no need for a man or a woman to consider themselves incapable of sex in their later decades after their fifties. To sum up, both the man and the woman do undergo physical changes, the woman apparently on a much greater scale than the man. The hormonal changes may, however, be similar in scale in each of them. But whatever the changes, whether it’s the complete menopause of the woman, or the andropause in the man, both sexes are normally quite capable of having great sex after 50 years of age, though perhaps slightly less often.

Where there are clear issues – thinning of the lining of the vagina, failure or partial failure of vaginal lubrication, hormone deficiency, and so on – there are many ways to correct them.

The best way of avoiding sexual failure of almost any kind is to maintain regular sexual activity throughout life. The more often a couple make love between twenty and forty, the longer they will remain sexually active after fifty and on into their middle and later years.

And if you are already 50 or over, then regular and fairly frequent lovemaking – sometimes even when you are not prompted by desire, when you have to start from scratch and get aroused – plus a new adventurousness in sexual techniques, is one of the surest ways of maintaining a satisfactory sex-life for most, if not all, of the rest of your life.

Sex After Fifty: Men and Women

As the story of John and Katy demonstrates, a great deal of the cause of sexual failure has its roots in people’s minds. Many men and women use the changes in their bodies during midlife as an excuse to stop having sex after 50. They seize on the pretext of feeling ill, of hot flushes or headaches, of increasing fatness or tiredness, of business responsibilities, or work, for rejecting any sexual approach that may be made to them or for refusing to make any sexual response that is expected of them.

What they are really saying is that they are so bored with sex that it no longer has any attraction for them. Or rather I should say, they are so bored with sex with their partner after fifty years of age that it has no attraction for them any more.

The coital alignment technique

Coital alignment technique for more sexual pleasure.

This is a great example of how sex after fifty can be even more successful and enjoyable than sex in earlier life.

Video – better sex after 50.

Self Pleasuring

How to enjoy self pleasuring more

The first technique that you can use to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body, and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable.

As you learn to relax, you will discover more and more areas of your body in which you’re holding muscular tension – this will include the areas around your genitals, areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings or experiences.

Learning to relax, and to apply the relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.

The next way in which you can help yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated with sexual arousal!

When you overcome your inhibitions about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when you have private time and no-one will observe you. It’s important that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share them with your partner.

One: Rock your pelvis backwards and forwards, and up and down. This, of course, is one of the basic movements of intercourse – the thrusting movement of the pelvis. Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.

Two: Arch your back and thrust your hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he thrusts downwards and into you.

Three: Bring your knees up to your chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an embrace between your legs.

Four: Bend forward from a standing position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover standing behind you.

Remember that you only need to do as much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your body in this way during sex.

A great way of becoming more comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the ultimate in female sensual dance. It’s actually a very sensual – if not sexual – expression of feminine grace and femininity.

Sexual Fantasy

We mentioned above that sexual fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the importance of fantasy in women’s sexual lives – and thereby in your own sexual life – are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy Friday.

These are collections of women’s fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and ideas that make you feel sexual.

Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that – fantasy. It’s kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part, fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.

Pornography and erotica are not inherently bad. Whether or not they are morally correct is a decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time. The same is true of course of your fantasies.

One problem with fantasy is that you may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during sex.

It’s possible that such connections represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.

Ways to increase your enjoyment of fantasy

Remember that your fantasy does not have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought, feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous, loving….whatever you wish.

You can also blend your reality – for example, when touching yourself – with your fantasy – for example, imagining that it is your partner’s hands which are touching you as you play with your own genitals.

The next step

Have five or six sessions over the next fortnight in which you use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises. Try one or two of these techniques during each self-pleasuring session so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.

Reservations and Inhibitions Around Self Pleasure

Sexually experienced people know that sex is not just about the body and its responses. For that reason, if at the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards.

Yet our bodies are naturally sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is often a taboo subject in the family as they grow up. Most of us were given negative or mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew up. Take a moment to think about what messages you were given by your parents and teachers about sex and your body.

Have you accepted all their beliefs wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas completely? Your parents did what they thought was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a person.

Your body is unique, and you have the right to self-pleasuring, which is a wonderful celebration of your body. If you realize you have inhibitions about sexual pleasure (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) you find shadow work with a qualified facilitator helpful in overcoming these blocks.

The Power of the Mind: Finding Your Favorite Fantasies

When you start to experience pleasure and arousal in your sessions, you may find some of the ideas that most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose consciously.

This is your unconscious mind at work, and it can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel shocked or guilty about their fantasies: but the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of women’s fantasies – and you might even find a new one that turns you on!

We would like to emphasize at this point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of being human. There’s nothing wrong with this, provided that the material which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women.

Oddly enough, some women who are opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard to recognize their own arousal.

Experiments conducted in the 1970s demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you measure arousal by vaginal lubrication.

However, when questioned, many of these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials.

It may also reflect the fact that a lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own bodies. Again, we would like to emphasize that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to become more aware of your sexuality.

You may even find it necessary to move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel aroused.

Things to look for include vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and mentally feeling sexual aroused – whatever form that takes for you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?

Benefits of sexual pleasuring

It’s important to remember that even if you have reservations about masturbation, it’s only by continuing to explore your body that you will become comfortable with your sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to focus on the potential benefits of self-pleasuring. These potential benefits include greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your own body.

So at this point we would like you to consider what it gives you the greatest pleasure in bed. For example, did you notice that different kinds of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.

And of course this does not apply only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.

One of the biggest concerns that women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or not they are feeling sexual arousal.

However this is actually very unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you begin to “watch” your own feelings and responses, and you become a spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.

If you find that this is happening to you, simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body. Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.

You probably realize that not every session of self-pleasuring will be the same. On occasions you will be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow. On other occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are making.

This is exactly the way the personal growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so. It’s also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is what it is. However, we encourage you to focus on the positive pleasure you get after each session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well.

So, for example, even feeling just a little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the things that didn’t go as you would have wished.

Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn’t go very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to do for your friends and family? If so, try and choose a time when you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and self-pleasuring exercises.

Ways To Please A Woman Sexually

Pleasing A Woman in Bed

It isn’t difficult to really please your woman in bed and give her great pleasure. If you doubt that, check it out here.

Regard your woman as a work of art – or at least, regard her body as a work of art!

Treat it with as much care as you would a priceless masterpiece. And if you’re experiencing some difficulty pleasing her in bed, then it may be time to identify what’s causing your difficulty and why it’s such a challenge to please her.

To start with you must control your desire to enter her and thrust away till you reach orgasm. That may or may not take you a lot of control, depending on how sophisticated you are as a lover, but I can assure you that the outcome will be more than worth it in terms of the delight and satisfaction that you get. And, of course, the pleasure and satisfaction which your partner gets.

So here are our simple tips as you work your way through the conundrum of femininity that can lead you to euphoric pleasure – and her too.

1 Remember that women are often more emotional and romantic than men.

Which means gross male behavior isn’t attractive to a lot of women. What counts is treating her as though she is something special. That, by the way includes sexual situations. Sure, a woman might want her hair pulled or her ass slapped, but there is a delicate and sensitive way of finding out before you do it.

Before things get hot and sweaty, try a simple display of affection first! Kissing, holding her gently but firmly and caressing her body are likely to arouse her. Being affectionate doesn’t have to lead to sex. In fact, for a woman, being affectionate makes her think that you want more than sex – you want a relationship with the whole woman.

And to her that means romance and love, which will be more than enough to open up her body to you as well as her mind. And when she’s open to you emotionally as well as physically, you’ll both enjoy better sex and get a lot more pleasure from each other in bed.

2 A woman can’t be turned on like a machine

And that’s especially true today, in a world where she has so much on her mind – in fact just as you do, but she probably isn’t as good at mentally putting things down and focusing on sex as you are.

You may well focus more on sex with her than she does about sex on you. When she’s thinking about the kids and dinner and the housework and her jobs, she’s going to need time to decompress before she wants pleasuring. That’s a great reason to make love to her out of bed – long before you get sexual. Be romantic and then, when you do get into bed, just remember to spend loads of time on foreplay.

3 Foreplay is a great way to arouse a woman.

In fact foreplay can be a source of great pleasure in its own right. Oral pleasuring is a way that both of you can enjoy a great deal of sexual pleasure without the stress of intercourse (penetration is no small thing, even when women like and want it!)

For example, you might find that a woman is delighted to pleasure you by giving you oral, either as a beautiful way of arousing you, or as a pleasurable technique in its own right. If so, make sure you pleasure your woman in bed by giving her oral satisfaction if she wants it as well.

In fact, the golden rule here is to be considerate and gentle. If things get a bit more arousing and you feel intercourse might naturally follow, don’t assert yourself too hard to get it. Try and enjoy the simple pleasure of being in bed with her. For a woman, being in bed with a man is a more pleasurable experience when he sensitive to her needs.

By the way – foreplay does not include sending her an unsolicited dick pic.

4 Remember the vagina is not as tough as you might think.

Hang nails, jagged fingernails, and the like are not comfortable to a woman.

5 Kiss, lick, and stroke her – all over the body – and then do it again.

And only when she’s beginning to look like she’s starting to lubricate and starting to get aroused does she want you to head for her vulva, clitoris or vagina.

Think of giving her a massage. For a woman, having a man diving straight in her vagina before she’s aroused can be really uncomfortable. So think of gentle strokes up and down her body, perhaps with oil – like a massage. See which parts of her body respond, and above all don’t treat like the woman in the last porn movie you were watching – unless she’s consented to that.

6 A woman may be unsure what she want sexually until she is being sexual

Video – what do women want in bed?

Women may not know what they want from one session of sex to the next, and sometimes even in the same session of sex from moment to moment.

One good way to find out is to help her explore her own body to find the ways in which she is most likely to get pleasure so that you and she both have an idea of what you need to do to bring her to orgasm.

If she’s shy and retiring, and finds difficulty in sharing this with you, then you can gently ask her as you’re making love. The idea is to find what excites her most, and then to pleasure her in the way that she appreciates most. Keep in mind that your consideration for her well-being will be repaid many times over in her desire to show love and appreciation to you, and make your happiness complete.

7 The clitoris isn’t the only part of a woman’s body that is distinctly pleasurable.

A woman has erogenous zones all over body – just as you do, in fact. That could be her neck, the small of her back, buttocks, and obviously her lips and mouth and breasts.

You need to find out which of these are going to put h your woman into a place of arousal by delicately exploring them and seeing how she responds.

Don’t overlook her G spot either. It is a pleasure point, and in some women stroking it can produce intense orgasms. If your penis curves up, then you want to make love in the man on top position so that the curve of your penis will massage the G spot (which is on the upper wall of her vagina she lies in the back).

If your penis curve downwards, then you might want to make love in the rear entry position so that your penis is more likely to hit her G spot. Whatever position you choose, the idea is to maximize the chance of hitting her G spot and giving a whole-body orgasm.

8 Enjoy oral pleasure.

Some couples absolutely love oral pleasure, but some people only do it because they want to please their partner.

If your woman is having difficulty accepting the idea, try and find out what’s turning her off it. Perhaps an experience in the past has upset her, or maybe she’s not had an experience of oral pleasure in line with her standards or expectations.

Don’t forget that open and honest communication during sex is one of the best ways to achieve mutual pleasure. It’s also a good thing to do anyway, because it brings you closer together and makes you feel more intimate.

So try and be as open and honest as you can with each other, so that she can learn the art of fellatio and you can perfect the art of cunnilingus. That way you both have the maximum chance of bringing each other to pleasure.

These few simple ideas and principles will help you to ensure that a hard to please woman can find real pleasure with you. And if you spend time focused on pleasing her, she will most definitely do the same for you – many times over.

Hints for giving great cunnilingus to a woman.

This is especially useful if you have problems with erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation. Start licking somewhere else and teasingly work your way towards her vulva. You could start on her nipples, for example, or lower down her legs, and work your way towards her clitoris bit by bit. When you get nearer, just let your tongue or lips “accidentally” flick lightly over her sensitive areas, perhaps breathing warmly onto them as you pass by so as to give her a taste of what’s to come.

Lick her thighs, moving upwards towards your target slowly, but each time you reach her clitoris, lingering a moment longer to let her savor the experience.

Eventually she’ll begin to move her hips or thrust slightly, a sure sign that she’s ready for closer and more intimate contact.

Take this as your cue to focus your attention on her clitoris, and begin to lick around it, across it, down her labia, up her vulval slit, and into the entrance of her vagina. Keep a rhythm going, to provide consistent stimulation which will help her build towards her orgasm.

Understand her sexual drive varies from day to day.

A woman’s sexual cycle depends on her hormones, which in turn determine how much she desires sex and how sexy she feels. If you’re in a long term relationship, you could keep a chart of her cycle and her sexy periods, so that you know when sex is most likely to happen. But in general, the sexiest times are immediately before and after her period.

Understand what turns her on.

First, she needs to trust you. This not necessarily the same as being relaxed – it means having a perception in her mind that she is safe with you. Clearly, the more intimate you are with each other, the safer she will feel, and the more likely she is to be aroused. You can find out what she likes over time – some of the things will be obvious (romance, skillful lovemaking) but her specific turn-ons may be harder to identify – for example, many women love to see their man ejaculate powerfully, and find it a real turn on. She’s not likely to tell you such things until you know her quite well.

Know that your penis is not your most important sexual orgasm to her – that honor goes to your mind.

Unfortunately, it’s true: while you may adore your penis, and play with it every time you get the chance, she is likely to be much more holistic about sex than you, and she’ll probably be rather amused by your apparent penis-obsession! That doesn’t mean to say she won’t appreciate your penis – it means she will want to hear you say loving things, to feel the touch of your hands on her body, and to sense your love for her – as well as wanting to caress and play with your penis when she’s horny!

Be a bit of a tease.

When something feels good – as judged by her reaction to what you’re doing – back off and try something else. So if you’re licking her clit, say, and you sense she’s getting really aroused, try breaking off and licking her nipples instead. Such interruptions can make her orgasm even better when it finally happens. (Warning: if you try this when she’s too near orgasm, she may not be very pleased.)

Remember that continuous stimulation is necessary for her orgasm.

Unlike you, when she’s getting near orgasm, she will probably just want you to continue stimulating her clitoris at the same pace and pressure. At least, that’s what she’s likely to tell you, but in my experience, when she’s very near the point of orgasm, a little harder and faster stimulation often helps a woman get over the edge. I think what is clear, though, is that when she moans with pleasure in the beginning and middle stages of her arousal, it’s definitely not a signal to you to move your fingers faster and harder!

The other important point to recall is that if you stop stimulating her when she goes into her orgasm, she will stop coming. The process isn’t like the male orgasm and ejaculation, where, once it’s started, you can’t stop it. For her, clitoral or G-spot stimulation all the way through her orgasm is needed to keep her pleasure going.

Your penis can be used to play with her clitoris.

Of course you’ll want to stimulate her clitoris with your fingers, and probably your tongue, but don’t forget that you can also use your erect penis to gently bang (not bang, just tap, really) her clitoris and vulva. She’s likely to find this very exciting.

Anal play needs a little bit of thoughtful planning.

You may be more into this than she is, or vice versa, but in either case there’s a good way to get around any reservations you may have about the hygiene issues. Simply use a latex glove to cover your finger, lube it well, then finger her anus until you or she wants more action in her vagina, at which point remove the glove in one swift movement and discard it!

Or, if you’re into penile penetration, cover your penis with a condom, then remove it once you’re both anally satisfied and you can then either switch to condomless sex or put another condom on to enjoy the penis-in-her-vagina routine! There are many sexual positions for anal sex which you can see here.

Get some technique before you play with her clitoris!

As you may already know, her clitoris is a lot more sensitive than your penis. At least, it ought to be! It has twice as many nerve endings in a fraction of the area of your glans, so it can’t really take much direct stimulation until she’s pretty aroused. Though she’ll soon tell you if you get this wrong, the way to avoid being too intense too soon in your lovemaking is to circle her clit with your fingers, and alternate periods of this movement with periods of running your fingers up and down her labia or her vulval opening, teasing with your fingertips just inside the opening of her vagina.

Lubrication is essential to making clitoral play a success – your saliva is very adequate for this purpose, though you’ll need to keep adding more. Eventually, you can slip a finger inside her, though if she doesn’t respond to this, or her vagina isn’t well-lubricated, you may be jumping the gun, and need to give her a bit more clitoral pleasure before you go back in.

Tact is essential here. There’s no reason to say anything about her body in a way which might hurt her, and though some women are very matter-of-fact about it, others can be shamed by being told that they could be fresher in the vaginal department. You can always get around this by asking her to join you in the shower making a point of soaping your penis and balls, while telling her that you are doing so in order to be as fresh as possible for her pleasure! She’ll soon get the message.

Strawberry sex

And of course it doesn’t have to be a strawberry. You can put slices of fruit in or on your partner and enjoy the extremely erotic sensation of eating it off her body. If she’s willing, try eating it out of her vagina.

Beach sex

If you’re on a secluded beach, you might want to try woman on top sex, perhaps with a sarong or towel to hide the most explicit parts of the act.

Sensuous baths

She’ll love you for preparing a sensuous bath with aromatherapy oil like Ylang-Ylang, a very sexy perfume for a woman. While she lies in her warm, oily, candle-lit bath like a queen, massage her feet gently and sensuously, to delight her senses and give her a taste of the erotic pleasures to come. (Such as, perhaps, oral sex and body massage.)

Two nipples are sexier than one!

If you’re giving her pleasure on her breasts, such as when you’re teasing her nipples for a long time during foreplay, remember that her pleasure will be greatly increased if you stimulate them both at once: one with your tongue and one with your fingers.

Sexual Statistcis

One of the things that men may wonder about is how their sexual performance compares to the average member of the population.

After all, sex isn’t something men often talk about, at least not directly, to either our friends or our doctors. The aim of this page is to provide some information about sexual activity that will serve as a benchmark for what your boss, your brother, your neighbor and your best friend might be doing in bed.

First of all, the average penis size is just under six inches long when erect, but there are a heck of a lot of guys whose penis is between five and seven inches long.

To summarize the stats: the percentage of men with a penis up to five inches long when erect is 12.5%; up to five and a half inches it is 27.5%; six inches 60%; six and a quarter inches 70%; six and a half inches 80%. Basically, you are “average” anywhere between five and seven inches long.

Next, the average frequency of intercourse is probably much lower than you think. And one in five men is not having sex at all at any one time.

What’s more, one in five men has not had any sex at all in the previous year! It’s probably much more important that a couple have a compatible sex drive than a high one – problems start when a couple find they have widely different sex drives.

Nonetheless, there are average figures for the rate of intercourse: the average for the whole population in America is 59 times per year. But since the population includes many people who are not sexually active, to get a meaningful figure, you need to break this down more. Here are some examples of what’s going on in the bedrooms of America:

Frequency of intercourse

Up to age 30, 44% of men in a relationship have sex three or four times a week (this does not include masturbation).

Up to age 30, 30% of men in a relationship have intercourse one or two times a week.

Up to age 30, only 12% of men not in a relationship have sex more than once a week.

Up to age 25, couples have sex on average 154 times a year.

Between 36 and 45, couples have sex on average 99 times a year.

Beyond 50, couples have sex on average 49 times a year.

15% of men account for half of all sexual activity; 40% of men account for 85% of all sexual activity. (Sounds a bit like the American economy, where 20% of the population has half of the wealth, and 15% of the population consumes 85% of the wine drunk in the USA.)

Number of partners

The average number of sexual partners reported by women of all ages is 6; by men of all ages, 20. This discrepancy might be real, or it might be the product of male fantasy and female reticence. (It’s a fact that when you give women the opportunity to complete such questionnaires with the assurance no-one will ever see their answers, they tend to say they have had more sexual partners. This is perhaps an indication of the extent to which the shame of being seen as a sexually active woman is still around in our society!)

But if true, these numbers mean that a small number of women are servicing a lot of men! However, the female number is probably only a little low, since it is more or less the same in several surveys, and I’d take the view that that the male figure is rather high: if you look at the evidence from several studies, it turns out that a more realistic number for men is about 9 sexual partners.

Having said that, a small number of men report 99 or more sex partners; among women, one percent reported 99 or more partners. Clearly this level of promiscuity is very unusual.

Orgasms and faking orgasms

If you are wondering if you or your partner is having the right number of orgasms this might help:

Always have orgasms during sex: men 74%, women 30%

Usually have orgasms: men 23%, women 45%

Less often: men 3%, women 24%

We know that women sometimes don’t orgasm during sex, though it’s also clear that the act of lovemaking can be reward enough in itself.

Indeed, it’s often the case that a woman doesn’t know until she is having sex whether she will come or not, or even if she wants to try for an orgasm. But it is more of a surprise that so many men don’t come during sex. And if you are wondering if your partner has faked, well, sadly, the answer’s probably “yes”: nearly half of women report having faked an orgasm, but more surprisingly 11% of men say they’ve done so too.

The main reasons offered for this acting behavior were “getting it over with”, and “pleasing my partner”.

Cheating

Lastly, the question of how many men and women have betrayed their partner. Leaving aside the reasons for actually cheating, how many people have done it? Rather more than you might expect. Of the whole population, 16% report cheating.

Of men, 21% admit to having done the dirty on their partner (a rather high figure, though the definition of cheating didn’t enquire whether the relationship was breaking down or not, and I suspect the figures might be different if you analyzed the data in that way).

Among women, 11% report cheating. The highest rate was among single men over 30, of whom 42% said they had cheated on a partner. Half of all cheaters said their cheating sexual experience was unexpected, so an element of spontaneity is clearly involved.

How to have Intercourse Without An Erection

Intercourse without an erect penis

There is a myth in our world – the myth of the ever-hard and ever-ready penis. Most men probably believe that they should have an erection whenever they are in a sexual situation – and most women probably believe this too.

But there’s some point in a man’s sexual life beyond which he’s going to need physical stimulation to get an erection – and the older he gets, the less reliable his erection is going to be. (Of course any guy, no matter how young or old, may lose his erection if he’s in a sexual situation where he isn’t aroused or if he’d prefer to be with someone else.)

If you have a soft penis, and you want a hard one, there are lots of alternatives to deal with the situation.

Firstly, you can masturbate your penis until it’s erect, or your partner can do it. Secondly, you can try non-erect intercourse. You need to use the best sex position you can for this purpose. Let me explain how it’s done. Your partner will be lying on her back, with her right leg over your hips.

You lie at forty-five degrees to her body on her left side, facing her. You hold your penis in your right hand and rub your glans up and down, from side to side, and all around her clitoris. You need plenty of lube on your penis and her vulva for this.

The idea is to focus only on the sensations, not on getting an erection or becoming aroused. So you focus on what it feels like for you as your penis head rubs on her clitoris – and she focuses on what it feels like for her as your penis-head massages her sensitive tissues. This should be both a sexual and a very pleasurable experience for a woman in bed with you.

Neither of you are spending any time thinking about what you should be doing, what you expect to happen, or what is happening. It’s just a pleasant thing to experience!

What to do if you lose your erection during sex

If you do develop an erection, or a partial erection, you can insert your penis about an inch into her vagina, but the idea of non-erect intercourse is to enjoy the feeling, not go all the way to full penetration, so if you do enter her vagina, then pull out again and continue moving your penis over her vulva and clitoris, perhaps re-entering her a little way from time to time.

After five minutes of partial insertion and clitoral rubbing, you can gradually increase the amount of penetration and decrease the clitoral rubbing. If you do this for at least fifteen minutes three times a week, even if you feel bored or uninterested, you may well find that your erectile capacity increases.

However, don’t expect an improvement in your erections if you simply don’t want to be with your partner, for non-erect penis intercourse is not a way to extend a relationship that has passed its sell-by date. It’s much more about getting sexual energy flowing and re-establishing arousal and sexual self-confidence in a man whose wilting penis has led to a cycle of negative expectations causing a failure to get erect, leading to not getting erect, and thereby confirming his belief that he won’t get erect ever again.

Finally, though you may have erectile dysfunction caused by a physical problem, such as diabetes, which may make it harder to treat, all erection problems can be lessened to some extent.

Erection Problems – Erectile Dysfunction

Erection Problems

Most men fear losing the ability to have an erection more than anything else: apart from the fact that sex is impossible, most men judge their masculinity and manhood by their ability to get erect and have sex with their partner.

The loss of hardness in erection is known as erectile dysfunction. There are two kinds of erectile dysfunction: complete erectile dysfunction and partial erectile dysfunction. Complete erectile dysfunction is when the man cannot get any sign of erection at all.

Partial erectile dysfunction is when the man can get a strong erection during foreplay, but loses it as he tries to penetrate his partner, or very shortly after getting his penis into the vagina and certainly before he can bring either himself or his partner to orgasm.

Let’s take complete erectile dysfunction first. The first point about erectile dysfunction is that in many cases it is caused by a psychological issue; e.g. fear of one kind or another, feelings of acute sexual inadequacy, feelings of resentment of the partner or a desire to punish her. This is explained in this book.

Fear Produces Erectile Dysfunction

In the largest number of cases, however, it is fear of becoming impotent that produces the erectile dysfunction; in other words, the old ‘vicious circle’. While it is true that a few young men just can’t get an erection, it is men on the threshold of middle age who represent most cases.

It is, perhaps, natural that this should be so because as a man grows older, not only does his sex drive lose some of its strength and frequency, but his ability to achieve and sustain a strong erection is weakened slightly.

It is when he notices this deterioration that he begins to fear the worst; even though such fears are usually groundless, he fears he is going to fail to get an erection and this fear does makes him fail; or he fails to get an erection on one occasion, panics, fears that he may be impotent next time, and is.

The point about this kind of fear-induced erectile dysfunction is that the cause for the first failure may be very easily corrected.

Physical Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

Before going on to consider psychologically induced problems in more detail, it’s appropriate to mention the physical causes, which include diabetes (which leads to nerve damage), high cholesterol (which occludes the arteries leading to the penis) and high blood pressure.

These issues need the attention of a doctor qualified to treat physically induced erectile dysfunction.

In these cases, erectile dysfunction is caused by some disturbance to the proper functioning of the sexual apparatus.

Such a disturbance may attack the nerves and interfere, either with the brain or spinal cord, or with the tracts through which the nerves run or, with the endings of the nerves themselves.

Erection is brought about initially by the centers in the large brain. The messages from the brain to the penis travel down the spinal column to the erection centre, which is a kind of junction box located about four or five inches above the base of the spinal column.

From the erection centre they travel along the sexual nervous system to the erectile tissue of the penis.

When these messages are received, the erectile tissue, which is a sponge-like material, fills with blood, which enters the tissue at a faster rate than it leaves it, and the penis becomes erect.

Any damage to the nerves along this very extensive route will result in the messages not reaching the erectile tissue, and the penis will remain soft and limp. All sorts of disturbances can afflict this important nervous system.

There may be a circulatory or an inflammatory condition which results in congestion of the sex glands or urethra.

Psychological Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

Psychologically, one of the main causes of functional erectile dysfunction is exhaustion. Exhaustion is less frequently found to be the cause in young men, but is very common among middle-aged and older men.

Other causes of the impairment of sexual function in older men include boredom with sexual partner, stress, mental or physical fatigue, overeating and/or excess alcohol consumption, certain prescription medications, is partner, and fear of failure during sexual performance.

Boredom with the sexual partner is one of the most common causes of male erectile dysfunction, and one which need never happen.

Varied sexual activity is not only more exciting, but will stop a relationship from foundering on the rocks of boredom. But far too many men are lazy lovers unprepared to learn new sexual techniques and positions.

It is unfortunate that some men tend to be nearing the apex of their career simultaneously with the arrival of middle age, when the sex drive and some of the physical-sexual functions are beginning to taper off a little.

A man may be eager to reach the top or, if at the top, to make himself more financially secure for retirement, and in doing so, he has little time for other interests, even sex.

If only he would make sex one of his chief alternatives to business, he would be surprised how the mental and physical reaction that inevitably flows from a good fuck, would better equip him for dealing with his life in general.

This failure of sexual function around mid-life has been called the andropause.

Sex, however, is strangely persistent in forcing its attentions on men of all ages. It does so even on the man who has ‘dropped out’ of sex.

He hasn’t the energy or desire to be sexually active, but he is nevertheless subconsciously aware of what he is missing and tries to compensate for his loss of sex by drinking too much or eating too much, or both.

He has given up sex because of his other preoccupations, but by over-drinking and/or overeating he makes absolutely certain of undermining his sexual powers more than his preoccupation and the slowing down of his sex drive could do by themselves.

The man who overdrinks and overeats needs to take himself in hand, stop drinking, lose weight, and then deliberately restart his sexual activity with a sympathetic and physically active partner who can provide him with the stimulation and the stimulus which will persuade his penis to respond.

A physically and mentally fatigued man can always get an erection if he wants to, though it may take a little time for the penis to respond.

If the partner plays the active part in the sex and the man just lies there and lets her have her way with him – so that he does not add to his mental or physical tiredness – he will experience intense orgasms which will make him so relaxed that the tiredness will quickly vanish, especially if he can sleep afterwards.

Drugs As A Cause of Erectile Dysfunction

Quite large numbers of drugs affect the sex drive and cause temporary erectile dysfunction. This is particularly true of antibiotics and other anti-depressant drugs.

Unless the patient realizes that it is the drugs that are causing the erectile dysfunction, the first time the penis refuses to become erect he is likely to panic, fearing the worst – that he will never be potent again.

Unless he knows that the erectile dysfunction will only last while he is using the drugs, and that when he has stopped using them all will be well again, he will, by his fear, make himself impotent.

It Happens Once – And Then Again and Again

Many causes of long-standing ED are caused by one single failure to achieve erection. Every man experiences erectile dysfunction at one time or another. The cause may be one of many a very heavy bout of smoking or drinking, or some other temporary dysfunction.

The man who can shrug off one failure, or even two, is in no danger of becoming permanently impotent; on the other hand, the man who is struck by fear of becoming permanently impotent on account of one failure may develop more prolonged erectile dysfunction.

The usually virile man who suddenly finds himself impotent should say something like this to his partner, ‘Sorry, it’s not going to work this time. It will be all right next time!’ and then masturbate his partner manually or orally.

Afterwards he should think over what he has been doing lately and try to come up with a possible cause from those listed here. If he is not able to find one, he should seek medical advice.

Situational Erectile Dysfunction

There is one type of erectile dysfunction which is intriguing. A man may be impotent with his woman, and yet have a strong erection and complete intercourse with another woman.

This is a classic case of psychological erectile dysfunction and may result from resentment against the woman, fear of what she may say about his sexual inadequacy, and so on, though the root may lie in problems with the relationship, which has nothing to do with sex.

By contrast, a man may be able to make love satisfactorily with his regular partner, but unable to take part in lovemaking with another woman.

Quite often, when he has got into bed with the casual partner, he finds himself impotent. This is brought about by feelings of guilt at being unfaithful to his relationship, though he may be totally unconscious of having such feelings.

Low Testosterone and Erectile Dysfunction

Now and again, deficiency of testosterone is the cause of the erectile dysfunction. The sufferers from this cause are usually late middle-aged and older men, but some young men can develop the same deficiency.

In older men, the deficiency in naturally produced testosterone can be made up by injections or the implantation of pellets of testosterone.

This treatment does not work for all men, but this technique has produced some quite dramatic recoveries. Combined with Viagra, the results can be dramatic. Injections or implantations work in older men because the testicles have usually stopped producing testosterone.

Can anything be done to correct erectile dysfunction which is not the result of high testosterone deficiency in older men? In almost all cases, yes, provided the cause of the erectile dysfunction has been discovered.

When the possible organic and functional causes have been eliminated, those cases in which a psychological block is the source of the trouble can be treated with behavior therapy . Therapy comes strongly recommended with any sexual dysfunction.

This method relies upon the co-operation of a sympathetic and understanding partner, who is taught how to stimulate the man’s penis in a ‘non-demanding’ way. (Click here for more on this.)

When this has produced an erection which can be sustained for some minutes, ‘non-demanding’ penetration takes place; that is to say, the penis is put into the vagina but it is perfectly understood by both partners that the man will not be expected to reach orgasm or ejaculate.

The man lies on his back and the woman faces him kneeling; while bending forward at an angle of 45 degrees, she inserts the penis and slides back on it, rather than sits on it.

When this has been successfully accomplished at three or four consecutive sessions only then does the woman make pelvic movements. This happens on a further one or two sessions, and then the man also makes pelvic movements. The whole treatment for erectile dysfunction is described here.

What if no erectile dysfunction treatment is immediately successful? The main need for restoring erection is to make possible the insertion of the penis in the vagina.

For the great majority of couples this is a deep psychological need. It is also a fact that many impotent men can be stimulated to orgasm and ejaculation while the penis is limp.

If, therefore, some means can be found of getting the flaccid or semi-erect penis into the vagina, this is a major step to repairing the psychological issues caused by ED.

And the usual method is to use a vacuum pump and constrictor ring to induce an erection and then ensure the penis remains semi- or fully-erect.

Partial erectile dysfunction

In such cases, a man begins to make love and has a really strong erection, which he is able to sustain all the way through foreplay.

But as he moves to penetrate his partner (or to put a condom on), he suddenly loses it; or if he has been able to get his penis into the vagina, it goes soft on him before either partner can reach orgasm.

The causes of partial erectile dysfunction are much the same as those which induce full erectile dysfunction – resentment against, a desire to punish the partner, feelings of guilt or shame, and so on. Some cases, however, have their origins in one particular incident which created fear of discovery just at the crucial moment.

As one young man said: When we first got married Jane and I had to live with her parents for a month or two while the repairs to our own house were being completed.

We were making love one Sunday morning before getting up and my penis had only been in Jane’s vagina for a few seconds, when suddenly the door opened, and in walked Jane’s father with a cup of tea. Jane cried out and I jumped off her. My penis, which had been so stiff that it ached during foreplay, went absolutely soft in a flash.

Her dad made some jocular remark, but was obviously embarrassed. When we had drunk our tea we tried again. But it was no good, even though we locked the bedroom door.

No matter what Jane did to me, I just couldn’t get another hard on. We’ve been in our own house eight months now, and though I know perfectly well we can’t be disturbed, because there is no one else in the house, we have never been able to finish intercourse in the proper way.

I get a magnificent erection during foreplay, and then when we try to have sex, I go all soft – just like that. It’s been like that every time we’ve tried to have sex, and we are both going up the wall with frustration. Please, what can I do to get things right again?

This is a difficult case to treat, the more so because the young man recognizes the cause of his partial erectile dysfunction. The answer is either therapy or the program for restoring sexual function which is available on the internet.

All cases of specifically psychologically caused erectile dysfunction and partial erectile dysfunction are capable of recovery if the victim is prepared to put a bit of work in, and if he has a partner who truly understands his problem and is prepared to co-operate also. So long as the penis is capable of erection in any way, there is hope.

The best test is ‘morning erection’, or nighttime erections, the spontaneous erections a man finds he has during sleep or on waking. If he has nighttime or morning erections, then he cannot be truly impotent, even though he may not respond to any form of sexual stimulation.

Solving Sexual Problems

Shadow work can help with sexual problems by helping you to:

Identify and understand the root causes of your problems. Often, our sexual problems are rooted in our shadow selves. For example, if we have a fear of intimacy, it may be because we have repressed our need for connection and love. Shadow work can help us to uncover these hidden aspects of ourselves and to heal them.
Develop self-compassion. When we are able to accept and love all parts of ourselves, including our shadow selves, we are less likely to be triggered by our sexual problems. Shadow work can help us to develop self-compassion and to see ourselves as whole and worthy of love.
Challenge negative beliefs and patterns. Our shadow selves often hold negative beliefs about ourselves and our sexuality. For example, we may believe that we are not attractive or that we are not good enough to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. Shadow work can help us to challenge these negative beliefs and to create a more positive and empowering narrative about ourselves.
Make healthier choices. When we are in touch with our shadow selves, we are more likely to make healthier choices about our sexuality. For example, we may be less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior or to stay in unhealthy relationships. Shadow work can help us to make choices that are aligned with our values and that support our overall well-being.

If you are struggling with sexual problems, shadow work can be a helpful tool for healing. However, it is important to remember that this is not a substitute for professional help. If you are experiencing severe sexual problems, it is important to see a therapist or counselor who specializes in this area.

Here are some specific shadow work exercises that you can try:

Write a letter to your shadow self. In this letter, express your fears, anger, and resentment towards your shadow self. Be honest and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up.
Create a visualization. Visualize yourself embracing your shadow self. See yourself accepting and loving all parts of yourself, even the parts that you fear or reject.
Talk to a therapist or counselor. A therapist or counselor can help you to explore your shadow self in a safe and supportive environment.

Shadow work is a journey, and it takes time and patience to heal. But if you are willing to do the work, it can be a powerful tool for transformation. However, there are other forms of therapy.

Here is a comparison of the different kinds of therapy, including shadow work:

Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy: These therapies focus on the unconscious mind and how it affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They often involve exploring past experiences and relationships in order to understand how they have shaped us.
Behavior therapy: This therapy focuses on changing our behavior by identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and behaviors. It often uses techniques such as exposure therapy, which involves gradually exposing ourselves to situations that we fear.
Cognitive therapy: This therapy focuses on changing our thoughts and beliefs in order to change our emotions and behaviors. It often uses techniques such as cognitive restructuring, which involves identifying and challenging negative thoughts.
Humanistic therapy: This therapy focuses on the individual’s subjective experience and their potential for growth and self-actualization. It often uses techniques such as person-centered therapy, which involves creating a safe and supportive environment for the client to explore their thoughts and feelings.
Integrative or holistic therapy: This therapy combines elements of different therapy approaches in order to create a personalized treatment plan for each client. It often uses techniques such as mindfulness meditation, which helps us to focus on the present moment and to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings.

Shadow work is a type of Jungian therapy that focuses on exploring and integrating the parts of ourselves that we have repressed or suppressed. It is often used to help people with anxiety, depression, and other emotional well-being problems.

Here is a table summarizing different kinds of therapy:

Therapy Approach	Focus	Techniques
Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy	Unconscious mind	Dream analysis, free association, transference
Behavior therapy	Behavior	Exposure therapy, reinforcement, punishment
Cognitive therapy	Thoughts and beliefs	Cognitive restructuring, challenging negative thoughts
Humanistic therapy	Individual’s experience and growth	Person-centered therapy, gestalt therapy
Integrative or holistic therapy	Personalized treatment plan	Mindfulness meditation, yoga, tai chi

The best kind of therapy for you will depend on your individual needs and preferences. It is important to talk to a therapist or counselor to find the right approach for you.

Effects Of Premature Ejaculation On A Man

Men in relationships feel bad about not being able to sexually satisfy their partner.

And men sometimes worry that a woman with whom they are in a sexual relationship might be unfaithful because of their sexual “inadequacy”.

Some men with a premature ejaculation issue are preoccupied with thoughts about controlling their orgasm. They may anxiously anticipate possible failure in sexual activity. They often show high levels of embarrassment, and worry about keeping their erection. Men who do not have premature ejaculation, by contrast, tend to focus on sexual arousal and sexual satisfaction. This is explained in this book about delayed ejaculation.

And another point that’s interesting is that men who think of themselves as having premature ejaculation seem to have a more limited ability to establish intimate relationships. In fact, men with premature ejaculation seem to have less skill in all aspects of intimacy – be that sexual, recreational, social, emotional, and intellectual intimacy.

And they may also show lower levels of satisfaction in all areas of life than men who do not ejaculate quickly.

These are very significant effects, and in view of the fact that men who have premature ejaculation also have less skill in establishing intimacy, it seems quite understandable that a couple may find it difficult to talk about the condition, and about the impact it has on their sex life.

Video – effect of premature ejaculation on a man

Accepting that many men have this condition, that it is so common, why do so many men wait for years before seeking treatment – and, really, how many ever do seek treatment?

The truth is, nobody actually knows, although it’s likely a minority. And this presents questions about why men might be hesitant about seeking treatment. Is that reluctance related to one of the effects of the condition – a sense of sexual shame and being lacking in some way?

It’s certainly true that men with premature ejaculation are often reluctant to try and enter into new relationships for fear of humiliating themselves and disappointing a woman.

So could it possibly be the case that this is also true about the prospect of seeing a doctor? In other words, does the man with PE become so embarrassed that even admitting he has it can be shameful and embarrassing? That might well further lower his self-esteem….

The answer to these questions may well be “yes”. They may suggest the simpel approach of taking a drug to slow down ejaculation is the best way to overcome the problem. Dapoxetine (aka Priligy) is available in some counries for use as an off label cure.

This simple approach may well help men who are suffering severe emotional effects from PE – particularly when a man is so inhibited socially that he is reluctant to enter into new relationships.

Men with premature ejaculation may also lack, to some degree at least, sexual information and knowledge. So it can be helpful to read about the condition on the internet and seek out a support gorup. And it is helpful, sometimes, for some men, to get an understanding of how his body, and that of his female partner, works sexually. In this way man can learn to pace his arousal, and expand his sexual skills without fearing that rapid ejaculation is inevitable.

Men with premature ejaculation also tend to avoid focusing on their sexual responses, perhaps because anxiety makes them believe they will come even more quickly.

Men may attempt to reduce sexual excitement by wearing multiple condoms, using desensitizing lotions, masturbating before intercourse, rapidly penetrating one’s partner, or using “distraction thinking”. But these techniques are both causes and effects of PE: men who come quickly describe themselves as arriving at the point of ejaculation unexpectedly quickly, with little sexual arousal.

Having this sexual issue is bound to increase anxiety and probably makes the tendency to ejaculate quickly worse. There are several forms of faulty thinking that seem to relate to both erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation:

all or nothing thinking such as a man assuming he’s a complete failure because he comes quickly
over-generalization – e.g. “I had difficulty controlling my ejaculation with person A so it will be the same with all my partners”
disqualifying the positive, e.g., “The woman I’m in a relationship with is only saying our sex is “good enough” because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings”
mind-reading, e.g., “There is no need for me to communicate about PE because I already know how my partner feels about my rapid ejaculation”
fortune-telling, e.g., “I know things have gone badly in the past and therefore they will go badly in the future”
emotional reasoning, e.g., “Just because I feel that something is true it must therefore be true”
categorical imperatives from a parental ego state, such as “I should do this”, “I ought to do that”, “I must do the other”… these tend to occur a lot in a man’s thoughts when he has any sexual dysfunction
and catastrophizing – such as “If I can’t control my ejaculation, I’ll never have a relationship.”

And in addition to the emotional and intellectual effects of early climax, there are behavioral effects as well. Many men who come quickly will actually limit foreplay because they fear becoming too excited. But unfortunately such behavioral modifications do not actually help the man last any longer during sexual activity.

So what’s to be done?

The answer seems to be that men with a tendency to come quickly may need help to overcome the issues in their relationships which may be promoting or sustaining rapid ejaculation. Men may need to seek out reliable information about effect of sexual techniques. They may need to be shown different ways of thinking.

Also, they need to be helped to understand that while rapid ejaculation has negative effects on their self-esteem and sexual self-confidence, it can serve in some situations to maintain a sexual equilibrium in a relationship. It may even possibly even cover up his partner’s sexual dysfunction. (Lack of orgasm, lack of sexual pleasure, low sex drive, and so on.)

Additionally, a couple may harbor unrealistic expectations about the man’s sexual performance (“I could reach orgasm through intercourse if it wasn’t for your PE”). And finally, premature ejaculation may be a symptom of major relationship issues. For exmaple, a man may blame difficulties in the relationship as a cause of his rapid ejaculation, and in this wya he may avoid facing the real issues that need to be addressed between him and his partner.

Effects Of Premature Ejaculation On A Couple

The effects of premature ejaculation on a couple are well documented. Regrettably, a couple may not find it easy to communicate about the condition.

This poor communication is probably caused when a man who believes he ejaculates too quickly is scared of his partner’s anger, while the woman is consumed with resentment about the fact that he either does not care about her, or that he can’t be bothered to control his PE. Or he may feel shame about not being a “real man”, or guilt about letting his partner down.

Ironically, men who come quickly often feel very responsible for their partner’s pleasure, and go to great efforts to ensure that she achieves orgasm in some other way. Even so, this does not alter the fact that having a male partner in a relationship with PE can be difficult. His self-esteem and self-confidence may be diminished because of this sexual performance can this be very frustrating and irritating for a woman.

Most women in a relationship with a man want them to display at least a certain level of masculine strength and power, and probably nowhere moreso than in the bedroom. Despite the possibility of sexual stereotyping, it’s probably true that most women want a man who can lead during sexual activity. That is, at least most of the time, and who, in leading the woman, will treat her in the way that she desires, a way that will bring out her deepest feminine desires and passion.

This is not, as you may well imagine, achieved particularly easily when a man is self-absorbed about the speed with which he is likely to ejaculate. Nor when he is so self-absorbed about avoiding PE by distraction thinking or skipping foreplay, that he does not pay much attention to his partner or her needs.

Indeed, one of the characteristics of men with PE is a tendency to apologize for their dysfunction. This may irritate a woman even more – most women would much rather a man took some action to change things than continuing to apologize for his perceived inadequacies.

Video – effect of PE on a couple.

And therein lies perhaps one of the clues to the origin of PE. Taking action and going out into the world to solve problems is a very male characteristic. A man with PE who is not doing so (around his own sexual challenges) may be out of touch with his masculinity.

The psychological profile of men who come quickly tends to be one associated with uncertainty around masculinity. That may mean a disconnection between the man and his own masculinity. It may mean he did not have a father figure who could teach him what it means to be a man while he was growing up. (And how men should relate to women.)

However, that is not the whole story. Women in relationship with men who lack masculinity may, at some deep level of their unconscious, fear masculinity in its most profound and compelling form.

But if this feeling remain out of consciousness, the couple become locked in a cycle of frustration and anger: each person’s behavior furthering the emotional dissatisfaction of the other. This is particularly true in cases if a man has a degree of vaginal aversion. (Some men with PE may eventually come to understand that they have never been entirely comfortable with the appearance, smell, or feel of a woman’s vagina or vulva.)

When a woman hears a man constantly apologizing for the speed of his ejaculation, she may think of him (overtly or covertly) as a wimp. She may feel a clear break in intimacy after he has coem. This is clearly not what a woman wants. In fact, in this situation she’s likely to want some reassurance from her man of his affection and attention for her.

it’s another example of how this sexual dysfunction can disrupt communication and intimacy between a couple in a way that is self reinforcing.

For a man with PE, a good idea after ejaculating rapidly would be to hold his partner tenderly and continue connecting with her by means of touch and words.

Both the man’s fear and his partner’s anger are clear roadblocks to intimacy and need addressing at the same time as he works (in whatever way) to slow his sexual responses down.

Many men are reluctant to reveal aspects of their lives which they find either embarrassing or shameful. They hide things they see as reflecting badly on them or their partner. This isn;t helpful in adopting an open approach to PE.

Premature ejaculation may have its origins in traumatic childhood sexual experiences, or other events in contemporary life such as an affair. Often these things are idden, adding to the complexity of the cause and remedy of the man’s quick approach to orgasm.

But secrets kept from the man’s partner, or matters that are not discussed with his sexual partner, will hinder closeness and inhibit intimacy…

While some men may rationalize away these events, they clearly impact the man’s sexual performance within the relationship. they also impact the quality of trust and intimacy the couple experience.

Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and You

There are few things more frightening to the average man than an attack of impotence. Suddenly the penis, the ultimate symbol of maleness, refuses to get hard.

A soft penis equates to failing to assert one’s masculinity, failing to lead, to dominate, to push through obstacles, and, most of all, not being able to enjoy the ultimate expression of masculinity – penetrative sex.

Video – erectile dysfunction

So what should you do if you have erectile dysfunction?

First, see a doctor to rule out any physical causes, then, if there’s no obvious medical problem, take a close look at your thoughts and feelings about yourself, your life and your relationships.

Sometimes, especially in mid-life, impotence is caused by a mixture of psychological and physical factors like worries about aging and lowering of testosterone – and a low testosterone level can prevent you getting hard erections and may even mean your penis loses some of its size.

Physical causes of erection problems (erectile dysfunction)

Many illnesses – ranging from flu to chronic tiredness and more serious issues like heart surgery – will deplete the body’s resources to the point where your penis just won’t stand up. Usually things return to normal when you are well again. You also need a good emotional and sexual relationship. The causes of erection problems are discussed in this book.

Diabetes is the most common cause of impotence. About half of all men with diabetes develop erection problems.

Arteriosclerosis, which is the buildup of fatty plaque deposits on the walls of your arteries, may also impair your erection. Your penis simply can’t get enough blood through the narrowed arteries to become erect.

High blood pressure is another factor. Of course it’s a serious problem in its own right which frequently leads to a stroke and/or a heart attack, so have it checked regularly. The resulting injury can damage the the walls of the erectile chambers, which then heal in such a way that the penis cannot become fully erect.

Sadly, about a third of all men who receive radiation treatment for prostate cancer develop erection problems because of radiation damage to the nerves involved in generating an erection.

And another prostate operation called transurethral resection, which is performed to alleviate problems associated with benign prostatic hypertrophy (i.e., non-cancerous enlargement of the prostate), produces erection problems in 10 to 15 percent of men.

Mid-life hormonal problems, mentioned elsewhere on this website, can cause erection problems.

Body builders or sportsmen who take anabolic steroids risk shutting down their own natural hormonal system. They usually lose their sex drive and stop having erections. Their penis may also shrivel up. They look big, though.

Smoking certainly isn’t good for your penis. There’s a clear correlation between smoking and non-erection, lower sperm counts, and depressed testosterone levels. It’s also been suggested that smoking will, over time, cause your penis to shrink. Dr Pedram Salimpour, of Boston University, believes that smoking causes a loss of elasticity in the blood vessels of the penis, just as it does in the blood vessels of the lungs and heart. However, the vessels in the penis are much smaller, so constriction in this area may have much more severe consequences.

Drugs prescribed for anxiety, depression, ulcers, high blood pressure, among other things, can contribute to erection problems. Getting an erection problem after you’ve been given a drug to relieve stress seems somewhat ironic really, since the lack of an erection may well be even more stressful. In case you’re wondering, the prescribed drugs that can keep your penis from getting hard include: Barbiturates, hypnotics, tranquilizers like Valium, narcotics, both natural and synthetic, some high blood pressure drugs, some drugs used to treat angina, some drugs used to treat migraine headaches, ulcers, spastic colon, and glaucoma may impair erection. In addition, tricyclic antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs also may affect erection.

And here’s a link to a site which explains how you might be able to cure erectile dysfunction and explains what causes it – physical causes & cures for erectile dysfunction – though of course, this may be harder if the erectile dysfunction is caused by diabetes or other physical problems like Parkinson’s disease.

Psychological causes of erectile dysfunction

If your penis is regularly erect when you wake, or you can masturbate OK, but you can’t get hard when you try and have sex with your partner, you probably have a relationship issue rather than a dodgy penis.

Even so, if your erections are fewer in number and not as hard as you’d like, you might want to get your system checked out by a doctor – particularly one who knows how to check male hormone levels. A prostate check-up is also a good idea for men over forty.

The first step is several lab tests: a glucose test to check for undiagnosed diabetes; a thyroid profile, because thyroid disorders may cause erection problems; a free and total testosterone test; and LH and prolactin tests – these are hormones involved in the erection process.

Your doctor may also order a study of penile blood pressure and possibly a penile arteriogram, a more sophisticated test of blood flow, to see if enough blood is reaching your penis to potentially raise an erection.

If you never wake with a morning erection, your doctor should see if you have nighttime erections using a nocturnal penile tumescence test. That’s a test which involves attaching a gauge to your penis to detect erections while you sleep.

If you’re into Do-It-Yourself, you can simply get a row of gummed postage stamps, lick the ends and attach it snugly around your soft penis. If the perforations are torn in the morning, you’ve had a night-time erection.

Whatever your doctor finds, the next step is to think about the emotional issues in your life that might be screwing up your erections.

Strangely, erection problems often have the same cause as premature ejaculation: an excessive focus on performance and a perceived requirement on the man to perform.

Whenever there is a focus on performance, the penis responds like an actor with stage fright – it stops performing smoothly, and sometimes stops performing at all.

So, simple as these suggestions may sound, they help many men rediscover their erections: relax, both in and out of bed; slow down your lovemaking; de-emphasize the role of the penis; try to develop a greater appreciation for whole-body sensuality; make love only when and how it feels right for you; and, above all, discuss any problems with your lover.

Many types of fears and stress can be the cause of erection problems (especially if you’re primed with drugs or alcohol). Having sex for the first time often kills a boy’s erection.

Read what Dr Joseph Mercola has to say about erectile dysfunction.

Causes Of Erectile Dysfunction

So does having sex with a stranger, or someone who you don’t really fancy – casual sex is really not as exciting for most people as popular culture suggests. If your lover ridicules you about your performance or your penis size, this can make you lose your erection: once that’s happened, the fear of it happening again can be a potent erection killer.

Lastly, a very common situation where men lose their erections is putting a condom on: the answer is for the woman to do it for him.

Stress kills men – it also kills their erections. Whether it’s the pressure of a divorce, job loss, injury, illness, business reversals, feelings of growing old, or criticism by someone significant, these things can all contribute to non-erection.

Even positive stress can be just as bad for a man’s erectile capacity: a big job promotion, a sudden increase in responsibilities, or a cross-country move that uproots a man from old friends and familiar surroundings, will all have an impact on his sexual performance.

A lover’s career success can also engender feelings of inferiority and self-doubt that might contribute to an erection problem.

Depression is a major cause of erection difficulties. Which comes first, the depression or the lack of an erection, is not always easy to establish, of course, but the result may be the same: a man who withdraws into himself, rejecting his lover or sexual contact with her, out of fear that when he needs to “perform” he will not be able to.

A man may resent having to comply with his lover’s demands or having to initiate sex all the time. He may get upset making love the same old way all the time.

And arguments about money, children, marriage, conflicting job schedules, sexual frequency, visits to relatives, or sharing the responsibilities in the household, can also take their toll on his erections.

Even nowadays, in our supposedly enlightened times, men are not generally given permission to say “No” to sex. So how does a guy who doesn’t want to make love turn a woman down without hurting her feelings?

Cure For Erectile Dysfunction

In some cases, the use of Viagra will be a sufficient boost for a man to get over his temporary sexual anxiety and regain his sexual confidence. Other men may turn to a younger partner, begin watching porn movies, or give up sex altogether. But the real cure for erectile dysfunction is the one described in this book.

An alternative approach to sex

Stopping intercourse temporarily and focusing on alternative sources of pleasure is a good idea for a man who isn’t getting erect. There’s no performance pressure if you don’t have to satisfy your partner vaginally.

For example, you don’t need an erect penis to give her an erotic massage or to play with her breasts! This approach allows you the time to get reacquainted with the rest of yourself, and gives you time to play as many sensual games as you and your lover wish.

In short, your penis isn’t your only sexual organ. You have fingers, hands, tongue, lips and every other part of your body as well – and using them may take the pressure off your penis.

Let your lover know what turns you on, and let her try it out, rather than thinking of sex as the penis-in-the-vagina-routine.

You may find that without pressure to perform, you respond much better than you expect. And she probably has a few things she’d like you to do to her, so try focusing on her rather than on your erection for a change.

Masturbation

Masturbation can be a very helpful way of getting back in touch with your sexuality and your erections.

But you need to approach it in the right way: with a relaxed attitude, knowing that what you are going to do is for your pleasure alone. You can make it a sensuous, relaxed experience, with oil to lube your penis, and time on your hands to ensure it is a slow and unhurried experience.

You can masturbate, relax, resume, watching your erection rise and fall – which, by the way, is what erections normally do during lovemaking – and you can play with your testicles, scrotum, nipples, anus and any other part of your body that you want to enjoy touching.

The difference between this approach and the more rushed approach to masturbation that most men have is this: you are enjoying your sexuality and getting in touch with your body and its feelings and needs.

Approach the vagina slowly

You may find your erection disappears the minute you approach your partner’s vagina. There are several ways to lessen the chance of this happening. Above all, don’t feel any performance pressure. Breath deeply, relax, and make the experience fun!

Approach her vagina slowly, as many times as you like. Let her rub her vulva along your penis and scrotum without any pressure on you to insert and thrust. Instead, lie back and let her take control of insertion, preferably using the woman on top position.

Take it all slowly. You don’t have to get your penis fully in her right away – play with her. Enter only the outermost part of her vagina with only the glans of your penis. Tease her with small movements in and out. If you lose your erection, back off and enjoy more sensual touching and caressing before you try again.

Let her play with your testicles, nipples, anus, perineum, whatever. Suck her breasts, rub her stomach, play with her labia – above all, to repeat, avoid any pressure to insert.

And don’t worry if your erection flags: what this probably means is that you need to be more aroused before you put penetrate her. (As I mentioned before, though, if your lack of arousal means you don’t really want to be with her, this may have some implications for whether or not you stay together as a couple.)

What if this doesn’t work?

Then you have the option of turning to a professional sexual therapist for assistance. In the United States, the Association of Certified Professional Sex Educators will be able to give you a name of a qualified sex therapist. Or you might want to try something more sophisticated such a sexual surrogate. This is a partner who knows how to draw out your sexual responses and overcome any inhibitions or problems you may have.You could do a search on Google for “sexual surrogate”.

If none of this works, there are still options open to you!

There’s also Erecaid, a suction-based device, which elongates the flaccid penis temporarily into an artificial erection. It’s easily available on the internet, just do a search on Google for “Erecaid”.

Dealing With Delayed Ejaculation

Dealing with delayed ejaculation

Let’s first get an idea of how ejaculation generally works. It’s a two part process. The first part is the emission phase, where semen moves from the prostate gland and seminal vesicles into the base of the penis.

This is the “point of no return” after which ejaculation in inevitable.

The second stage is the expulsion phase, which consists of rhythmic contractions and pulsations as the muscles around the base of the penis pump the semen out of the glans penis and into the outside world (or some other receptacle!).

By the way, ejaculation is not the same as orgasm, and they can occur independently. Orgasm is a highly pleasurable series of muscular pulses and contractions, with some energy flow around the body, which men may experience physically and/or emotionally.

Similarly, emission and expulsion, the two phases of ejaculation, are separate processes controlled by separate nerve centers, and they can also occur independently of each other. Often when semen just dribbles out, for example, the emission phase has occurred but the expulsion phase has not.

The best way to have powerful, forceful ejaculations is to develop strong PC muscles and to produce loads of seminal fluid.

The good news is you can influence both these processes. To develop strong PC muscles you need to get into a routine of exercising them. This isn’t so hard, as you can identify them by stopping your piss in mid-flow or by twitching your penis when it’s erect.

You’ll soon learn which muscles are the ones to develop – they are the same ones that pump out your semen. So, if you flex and relax them three times a day with thirty flexes in each session, they will rapidly increase in strength.

It’s true to say you can’t have too powerful a set of PC muscles – the stronger they are, the more you will enjoy your ejaculation and orgasm, and the more your semen will spurt out.

The process is also helped if you have a lot of seminal fluid to ejaculate. You can increase the volume by leaving more time between your ejaculations, or, if you don’t want to do this, spending a longer time getting aroused and erect before you come.

In short, the longer you spend on foreplay, the more you will ejaculate when you come, and the better your orgasm will be.

The causes of non-ejaculation can be both physical and emotional. So can changes in the power and force of a man’s ejaculation.

Video – delayed ejaculation

Age is a factor here, because to a greater or lesser degree older men may lose the urge to ejaculate. This is caused by a lowering of sexual desire, which in turn probably results from the lower testosterone levels that come with increasing age.

In addition, fewer ejaculations make the muscles of the ejaculatory system weaker and their less powerful contractions may then make a man’s orgasm feel less powerful and satisfying.

Older men can choose to make love without ejaculating every time. This can still be a very satisfying experience for him, and it can be even more satisfying for his partner if she is able to enjoy his prolonged vaginal thrusting, thereby gaining greater pleasure and satisfaction from sex than when her man ejaculated quickly.

Sometimes the cause of delayed ejaculation is physical. Urethritis and prostatitis can both affect the mechanisms of ejaculation or orgasm, sometimes making them so painful that men inhibit their ejaculations. And various drugs can inhibit ejaculation.

Often the problem is emotional. Stress can be a significant cause of non-ejaculation, as can any emotion that inhibits a man from letting himself go and enjoying sex freely.

This usually means fear, guilt or anger, of course, so things like a fundamental religious background, or unexpressed anger at a lover, are fairly typical and common issues in cases of difficult or non-ejaculation.

If you’re a man with a delayed ejaculation problem, resolving the problem will probably begin with a physical examination at the doctor’s surgery. If there are no physical issues, the next step is think about your relationship. All these issues are explained in this book.

Is sex a problem in any way? For example, deep down, a man who doesn’t come may simply wish he was with another partner, may feel angry towards his lover, or may wish that he wasn’t “forced” to “perform” sexually when he didn’t want to do so. Clearly, developing the ability to say “No” to the demands of his partner might be a step in the right direction for a man in this situation!

Sometimes a lover may not be providing enough of the right kind of stimulation needed for a man to come. This may be a matter for negotiation or discussion between the partners.

If the difficulties come from the sexual inhibitions or unwillingness of one of the partners, there may be profound issues which are incapable of resolution, but it’s probably worth trying to sort things out by communication before finding another partner – unless you feel your relationship really has gone so far past the point of recovery that you don’t even want to try.

Sometimes, for example if there are physical issues affecting the pleasure and ease of sexual intercourse, the solution may be a simple matter like using a vaginal lubricant.

The classic advice for a man who can ejaculate in certain specific situations but not with his lover is to try and gradually extend the range of situations where he can make it.

He can practice new ways of masturbating, perhaps using new situations or new ways of getting stimulation, such as using lube to masturbate on or between her breasts or thighs, as a prelude to ejaculation inside her vagina.

It follows, of course, that if the problem is actually with their relationship and his feelings towards his partner, this is not likely to help matters much! And the use of fantasy can often be helpful in getting a man to his orgasm and ejaculation more quickly.

Another cause of retarded ejaculation is penile insensitivity. This may surprise you, but circumcision can cut away many of the sensitive nerve endings which promote sexual excitement and the ejaculation reflex. If you think this might be a factor for you, then have a look at the personal account of how one guy cured his non-ejaculation by increasing his penis’s sensitivity here.

How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation

It must be strange not to be able to ejaculate during sex. After all, if you think about it, most guys’ problem is that they come far too soon during sex!

But while we might all envy the guy who can pound away for hours without coming, it soon becomes frustrating and depressing for him – and his partner also, if she gets a sore vagina, or even if she just wants him to ejaculate in her.

And considering how much most men play with their penis, it must be even stranger not to be able to ejaculate while masturbating. But both conditions exist, and while they may be rare, they are certainly a problem to the men who experience them.

So what can be done about it all?

Inability to orgasm with a partner

At first sight, it’s a bit surprising that a man with an inability to orgasm has a prolonged and hard erection, with which he can often bring his partner to multiple vaginal orgasms. And these erections are present even when he feels sexually repelled by or angry at his partner.

What’s more, many men who have difficulty coming with a partner actually have a clear preference for masturbation by their own hand. It’s often the only way they can get to orgasm – though some men can’t reach orgasm at all.

That seems a bit strange too. However, if a guy admits that he is repelled by his sexual partner, and even feels pleased that he denies her the pleasure of his ejaculation in her vagina, it all becomes much easier to understand.

You can hardly think of a man who doesn’t like his sexual partner as having a problem if he can’t ejaculate in her, especially if he can ejaculate quite normally with other partners. The same is true if she wants to get pregnant, and he doesn’t.

In cases like these, the man concerned needs help to express his reluctance to have sex or to voice his feelings of anger. Presumably he is afraid of his partner getting angry or retaliating – perhaps, for example, he has a deep-seated fear that she will leave him.

(By the way, this is yet another example of the ever-increasing and subtle bias against men in our society whereby they are expected to be able to perform sexually on demand even if they don’t want to. OK, that’s enough sexual politics for now.)

According to Sandra Leiblum and Raymond Rosen, in Principles and Practice Of Sex Therapy, most men with this problem seem to feel compelled to satisfy their partner, whether they want to or not. (Read more about this here.)

Their entire focus is on the satisfaction of their woman, and they seem to have cut off their own feelings in an attempt to do what she wants, thereby denying themselves the experience of their own feelings.

In a way, this urge to satisfy their partner at the expense of their own wishes explains how they can keep an erection: erection is a reflex reaction, while the process of arousal and orgasm involve the mind; therefore erection and lack of arousal can co-exist.

So, while the pounding of intercourse with a hard penis seems to satisfy the partner’s needs, it certainly doesn’t satisfy his. What’s more, the man is often taken for granted as a “satisfier” while the woman falls into a passive role, though he will not be aware of the way in which he is taken for granted, nor most likely feel annoyed by it.

The treatment prescription given to guys who went to sexual therapists complaining of an inability to orgasm with a partner used to consist of this: rapid and probably hard masturbation by his partner leading to ejaculation nearer and nearer to, and then eventually inside, her vagina. And it’s true that this sometimes works.

But only sometimes, and when it does, it seems to be because the man is snapped out of the state in which he believes he must vigorously thrust and his partner must passively receive. In other words, her aggressive masturbation of him changes the whole dynamic between the couple.

But unfortunately if this approach fails (which it often does), it can make things even worse for the man.

When men don’t want sex

The truth is that many of these men shouldn’t be having sex with their partner – they don’t want to, they aren’t turned on, their penises are numb, so why should they? – and they certainly shouldn’t have an erection, because they aren’t even aroused by her, for heaven’s sake.

And their partner needs to hear, and hopefully accept, these feelings. Obviously this may have consequences for their relationship…

But before any of this can happen, a man has to be able to identify and express his feelings (for example: “I am afraid of failing”; “I am afraid of letting you down”; “I am afraid there is something wrong with me”; I just don’t know what you want”; “I’m just not feeling anything”).

One way for a man to develop these skills is to see his partner become expressive of her feelings and needs: for example, despite the often-seen multiple orgasmic experience of the partners of non-ejaculatory men, these women are often well aware that their partners find them unattractive or are unaroused by them.

The voicing of such complaints may lead to the man finding his own voice and beginning to be able to express his own emotional responses to sex.

The bottom line is this: a guy with coital anorgasmia (fancy words, simple meaning: you can’t come during sex) needs to be aroused before he can have an orgasm during sex. And if you are such a guy, and you think you are aroused during sex, well, consider how much more aroused you are during masturbation. See the difference?

And while you may not feel you can’t be critical of your partner, the truth is you’re perfectly entitled to be. After all, you’re getting so little out of sex and she’s multiply orgasmic. Wouldn’t that make anybody feel used, left out or ignored?

And if you think sex like this is drudgery, I’ve got some news for you: it is! You have a right to expect from sex much more than you have ever received! And you have a right to say “No” to sex or your partner’s demands!

When you learn to please yourself, your sexual problems will likely disappear – as will your prolonged rigid erections and the absence of your orgasm and ejaculation.

How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation

Psychological Causes of Delayed Ejaculation

Masters and Johnson – two sexologists back in the 1950s who started the world of real sex therapy – said that the most common causes of delayed ejaculation were:

social factors like relationships, life events, personality traits and behaviors
developmental factors like traumatic childhood experiences around sex
conflicts of gender identity
troubled relationships between parents and children or between parents
negative family attitudes towards sexual matters
anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, shame and anger
low self-esteem
lack of sexual information or influence of cultural myths
a very poor body image
fear of relationship commitment
sexual performance anxiety
disassociation and spectatoring during sex
rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt or avoidance of sex
hostility towards one’s partner or oneself.

Relationship Issues: Self and Partner

Video – spectatoring during sex

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Relationship issues almost certainly have a role to play in causing delayed ejaculation. They may not be the whole explanation, but they are a large part of it.

A man who holds ambivalent feelings about his role as a man or partner in a sexual relationship may possibly “withhold” his ejaculation as an attempt to keep or increase power in that relationship.

And some psychologists say that a man who is over-controlled and fears “letting go” psychologically may symbolically hold onto his ejaculate as a metaphor for maintaining power in the couple dynamic.

But the intelligent explanation may be simpler: there may simply not be enough stimulation for the man to reach orgasm.

This could be because the couple are using the wrong technique or because they have simply become bored with their sexual repertoire. Or men may be over-concerned with pleasing their partners, because they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. That means they are unaware of their own sexual pleasure or arousal and don’t “notice” or respond to the stimulation they are experiencing.

Bernard Apfelbaum called this “partner anorgasmia”, because the symptoms of delayed ejaculation only show up in the presence of a partner. The difficulty that a man with DE has in obtaining sexual satisfaction (or even sexual arousal) with his partner is hidden behind a hard and prolonged erection, but this physical sign of apparently high arousal is actually associated with low levels of sexual arousal.

Apfelbaum believed that such an erection is not really an expression of sexual desire and excitement, but an automatic mechanism which the man uses to fulfill his partner’s expectations. He noted men with delayed ejaculation seem to be driven by a desire to satisfy their partner rather than to achieve their own satisfaction and take care of their own sexual needs and desires.

Some men are in fact, too conscientious, too controlled, and too aware of their responsibilities during sex – which they see as satisfying and pleasing their partner. This, suggested Apfelbaum, makes the man unable to satisfy himself, and gives the man an aura of being unable to enjoy sex, which in turn makes his partner feel that she cannot do anything pleasing for him.

This idea has a lot to support it; a recent study seemed to show that men with delayed ejaculation have significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than either men with other sexual dysfunctions, or men who can enjoy sex normally.

And even so, we must bear in mind that there may be other factors at work here, such as a reduced level of penile sensitivity, a lack of responsiveness to sexual stimulation, or some kind of physical problem (painful intercourse or a foreskin stretched over the glans – that’s called phimosis – for example). In general, though, these are rare.

Other psychological causes of delayed ejaculation

Psychologists suggest lifelong delayed ejaculation can be explained by fear, anxiety, hostility, resentment and relationship difficulties. So when we try and understand where a man’s sexual issues come from, the first task is to establish if the delay in his ejaculation is generalized or situational (in other words, is it specific to certain places or activities or partners), and whether it is acquired or life-long. These factors are explained in this book. The USA version is available here, too.

But What Does This Really Mean?

Often men who experience this problem have had a strict upbringing in which sex was pretty much a taboo or shamed subject, and who admit to a tendency to be controlling in their own lives. Needless to say, this sexual energy is often sublimated into other areas, so, for example, many of these men have a great deal of drive which has taken them to the top of their chosen professions.

However, this tendency to be over-controlling is often inwardly directed rather than at others – especially when it comes to sex. These men may believe it is wrong to let go and show emotion, and they may have difficulty in showing their emotions in general. In short, they find it difficult to “let go”, where letting go is obviously a metaphor for releasing semen in ejaculation.

Thus delayed ejaculation becomes a symbol of an internal emotional process which centers on a man’s inability to let go and experience free-flowing emotions in both life and, more specifically, in sexual matters. There are some other factors at work, too: men may fear pregnancy or they may have some vaginal aversion, for example.

Personality And Emotional Characteristics of men with Delayed Ejaculation

Many men with delayed ejaculation seem to have a lack of self-awareness, and a tendency to externalize their feelings. Their connection with their own sexuality is weak, and they may find the prospect of looking at their feelings to be an unattractive one. There are often obvious connections between a man’s historical life events and the current sexual problems that he faces, although he may refuse to acknowledge those connections.

Men often think that there must be a physical cause for delayed ejaculation because this is easier to cope with than the sense that inhibited ejaculation may originate in emotional or psychological causes. They have also frequently have experienced disappointing sex or have a limited experience of sex. Often men with DE have been brought up in an environment which cut them off from their feelings and acted to harden them psychologically and emotionally, a process which has been described as one of “toughening up” and battling against physical or mental weakness.

They have often not had complete or adequate opportunity at puberty to develop strong male characteristics. On a more general level, sexual excitement or sexual activity makes us all see the world in a very different way from the way we see it normally.

Most men and women have a sexual life which is clearly defined and separate from everyday life. Most of us can slip between the two with a greater or lesser degree of ease – erotic thoughts can intrude on everyday tasks, for example, or we can be distracted during sex by thoughts of everyday activities. But we move between the two without much difficulty. However, for some men with delayed ejaculation, moving into the erotic world can be challenging – the erotic world may be seen or somehow felt as dangerous.

Lack Of Sexual Arousal in Delayed Ejaculation

Indeed, it seems that many men with DE wish to avoid entering their erotic world. In many cases they may not even be able to enter an erotic world, having no concept of such a thing in their minds….. if they wish to be erotic, they create an environment which seems erotic, but does not come from their internal sexual process. There is, in essence, no arousal.

Men who can’t ejaculate during sex may also have negative associations of male sexuality with violence and abuse. This also dampens down their sexual response. The power and vitality of their sexual life is weakened and their internal erotic world is unable to provide them with the arousal needed for successful sex.

Because aggression is a fundamental part of human sexuality, men who are turned off by aggression or violence will split their aggressive impulses from their sexual ones, and that further weakens their sexual desire and arousal.

However, an autoerotic occupation with fantasy and porn may be arousing enough to produce an orgasm during masturbation.

The consequence of all this is that men with delayed ejaculation may not be able to function sexually with ease: they may not, for example, be able to ask for what they want sexually; they may not even know what they want sexually.

They may not be accustomed to becoming aroused through the touch of a loved one, or they may not know how to get aroused by erotic stimulation. Because sex becomes mechanical and lacks real connection, they may develop behaviors which are essentially designed to avoid sex.