Men in relationships feel bad about not being able to sexually satisfy their partner.
And men sometimes worry that a woman with whom they are in a sexual relationship might be unfaithful because of their sexual “inadequacy”.
Some men with a premature ejaculation issue are preoccupied with thoughts about controlling their orgasm. They may anxiously anticipate possible failure in sexual activity. They often show high levels of embarrassment, and worry about keeping their erection. Men who do not have premature ejaculation, by contrast, tend to focus on sexual arousal and sexual satisfaction. This is explained in this book about delayed ejaculation.
And another point that’s interesting is that men who think of themselves as having premature ejaculation seem to have a more limited ability to establish intimate relationships. In fact, men with premature ejaculation seem to have less skill in all aspects of intimacy – be that sexual, recreational, social, emotional, and intellectual intimacy.
And they may also show lower levels of satisfaction in all areas of life than men who do not ejaculate quickly.
These are very significant effects, and in view of the fact that men who have premature ejaculation also have less skill in establishing intimacy, it seems quite understandable that a couple may find it difficult to talk about the condition, and about the impact it has on their sex life.
Video – effect of premature ejaculation on a man
Accepting that many men have this condition, that it is so common, why do so many men wait for years before seeking treatment – and, really, how many ever do seek treatment?
The truth is, nobody actually knows, although it’s likely a minority. And this presents questions about why men might be hesitant about seeking treatment. Is that reluctance related to one of the effects of the condition – a sense of sexual shame and being lacking in some way?
It’s certainly true that men with premature ejaculation are often reluctant to try and enter into new relationships for fear of humiliating themselves and disappointing a woman.
So could it possibly be the case that this is also true about the prospect of seeing a doctor? In other words, does the man with PE become so embarrassed that even admitting he has it can be shameful and embarrassing? That might well further lower his self-esteem….
The answer to these questions may well be “yes”. They may suggest the simpel approach of taking a drug to slow down ejaculation is the best way to overcome the problem. Dapoxetine (aka Priligy) is available in some counries for use as an off label cure.
This simple approach may well help men who are suffering severe emotional effects from PE – particularly when a man is so inhibited socially that he is reluctant to enter into new relationships.
Men with premature ejaculation may also lack, to some degree at least, sexual information and knowledge. So it can be helpful to read about the condition on the internet and seek out a support gorup. And it is helpful, sometimes, for some men, to get an understanding of how his body, and that of his female partner, works sexually. In this way man can learn to pace his arousal, and expand his sexual skills without fearing that rapid ejaculation is inevitable.
Men with premature ejaculation also tend to avoid focusing on their sexual responses, perhaps because anxiety makes them believe they will come even more quickly.
Men may attempt to reduce sexual excitement by wearing multiple condoms, using desensitizing lotions, masturbating before intercourse, rapidly penetrating one’s partner, or using “distraction thinking”. But these techniques are both causes and effects of PE: men who come quickly describe themselves as arriving at the point of ejaculation unexpectedly quickly, with little sexual arousal.
Having this sexual issue is bound to increase anxiety and probably makes the tendency to ejaculate quickly worse. There are several forms of faulty thinking that seem to relate to both erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation:
- all or nothing thinking such as a man assuming he’s a complete failure because he comes quickly
- over-generalization – e.g. “I had difficulty controlling my ejaculation with person A so it will be the same with all my partners”
- disqualifying the positive, e.g., “The woman I’m in a relationship with is only saying our sex is “good enough” because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings”
- mind-reading, e.g., “There is no need for me to communicate about PE because I already know how my partner feels about my rapid ejaculation”
- fortune-telling, e.g., “I know things have gone badly in the past and therefore they will go badly in the future”
- emotional reasoning, e.g., “Just because I feel that something is true it must therefore be true”
- categorical imperatives from a parental ego state, such as “I should do this”, “I ought to do that”, “I must do the other”… these tend to occur a lot in a man’s thoughts when he has any sexual dysfunction
- and catastrophizing – such as “If I can’t control my ejaculation, I’ll never have a relationship.”
And in addition to the emotional and intellectual effects of early climax, there are behavioral effects as well. Many men who come quickly will actually limit foreplay because they fear becoming too excited. But unfortunately such behavioral modifications do not actually help the man last any longer during sexual activity.
So what’s to be done?
The answer seems to be that men with a tendency to come quickly may need help to overcome the issues in their relationships which may be promoting or sustaining rapid ejaculation. Men may need to seek out reliable information about effect of sexual techniques. They may need to be shown different ways of thinking.
Also, they need to be helped to understand that while rapid ejaculation has negative effects on their self-esteem and sexual self-confidence, it can serve in some situations to maintain a sexual equilibrium in a relationship. It may even possibly even cover up his partner’s sexual dysfunction. (Lack of orgasm, lack of sexual pleasure, low sex drive, and so on.)
Additionally, a couple may harbor unrealistic expectations about the man’s sexual performance (“I could reach orgasm through intercourse if it wasn’t for your PE”). And finally, premature ejaculation may be a symptom of major relationship issues. For exmaple, a man may blame difficulties in the relationship as a cause of his rapid ejaculation, and in this wya he may avoid facing the real issues that need to be addressed between him and his partner.