Extended orgasm for men – with the help of your partner.

One of the exciting things about this sexual exploration is the way you learn more about yourself and your sexual responsiveness. But it requires good communication with your partner to work successfully.

You can improve the quality of your communication by expressing your feelings, no matter how difficult this may be, and no matter how trivial they may seem: unfortunately, it is the trivial things that build up into big arguments when they are not expressed.

You need to do this to build up trust between the two of you, because trust is a prerequisite for success in ESO techniques, and it’s only fully between two partners who are being open and honest with each other. There is a positive side to this as well, of course – the expression of your appreciation and approval of your partner’s positive qualities.

Before you begin to touch each other physically, you need to establish emotional connection by allowing yourselves to have good eye contact or displays of physical affection such as hand-holding, hugging, tender caresses, stroking, massage and so on.

Romance during the day – the unexpected phone call or card, the gestures which tell your partner “I’m here, and I appreciate you, and I’m thinking of you” – goes a long way to establishing trust and setting the scene for Extended Sexual Orgasms.

And don’t forget kissing – it’s one of the best ways of setting the scene. It’s a powerful way of communicating affection and connection. So is exploring each other’s genitals – something you may not be in the habit of doing routinely!

During this exploration, you can give and receive feedback on the type of stroke and pressure that you both like: once again, of course, the central point of the exercise is to establish greater intimacy and closeness through effective communication. She can learn how you like your penis handled, and you can find out how she likes her vulva and clitoris to be stimulated.

As you play together you’ll find that your increasing arousal stimulates your partner’s arousal and vice versa. You may recall from the previous page that a certain level of arousal is necessary for ESO to happen, so extended foreplay, during which you and your partner turn each other on, is also very necessary before you can reach long multiple orgasms.

Happily, switching roles from toucher to touchee and back again, and switching the focus of your attention from internal to external allows this process to build naturally. The Brauers describe it all in their book if you want to find out exactly how to do it. (The Brauers’ book.) At least thirty minutes of foreplay is needed for the right level of arousal to build.

The Brauers list the preconditions needed for ESO:

• You both understand each other’s genitals and what works for them

• Men can get near to ejaculation without coming at least six times in thirty minutes through masturbation

• Women can reach orgasm through masturbation with only their hands (no vibrators)

• Men can stimulate their partner to orgasm in twenty minutes with only hands or mouth or both (no vibrators)

• Women can stimulate their man to almost reach ejaculation at least six times in thirty minutes

• You can both communicate comfortably about all these techniques and issues.

This page focuses mainly on ESO for men by women, but in the early stages of a couple’s exploration of ESO, it’s best if the man pleasures the woman first. This is because a man can focus much better on giving a woman pleasure if he has not yet enjoyed his own orgasm and ejaculation.

His ejaculation dispels his arousal, his sexual energy, and his desire to please his partner. For ESO, it’s therefore much better to have him pleasuring her first, so it may be helpful to read the Brauers’ book before you start these exercises.

When she is satisfied, he will still be aroused (with or without an erection) and she can focus joyfully and lovingly on giving him pleasure. Well, that’s how it works for most couples. If you’re a woman, wanting to know how to please your guy, it shouldn’t be hard to translate the instruction into the first person. 

As a man, you may find it difficult to lie back and accept pleasure. After all, men are used to being the givers of pleasure, the do-ers. But lying back is what you have to do!

In this system, you will progress through increasing sexual arousal into the first stage of your ejaculation reflex: the emission of semen into the bulb of your penis. But you don’t reach the second stage – the ejaculation phase. Instead, you remain for a prolonged period in the emission phase, with a hard erection and lots of secretion of precum from your penis. The internal contractions feel intensely pleasurable, but you don’t go over the crest into ejaculation. 

The prostate is an important part of this process. During normal sex, stimulating it produces a longer, more powerful orgasm and greater volume of semen. During ESO, alternating stimulation of the prostate with stimulation of the penis can produce high levels of continuous orgasmic arousal.

Although your partner can do this from outside your body (by pressing deeply on your perineum half-way between your scrotum and anus), it works much better if she sticks her finger up your anus and into your rectum, then massages your prostate through your rectal wall. (She can always use a latex glove if she wishes.) And there’s a device called the Aneros which is reputed to make prostate stimulation a cinch.

The first step is for your partner to masturbate you to an erection. And she’ll need lots of lube: make sure it’s a pleasant tasting one if you want to incorporate oral sex!

There are many variations of masturbation that are suitable: indeed, anything that is pleasurable and maintains your arousal at a high level is ideal for the practice of extended orgasm.

After you’ve been erect for at least fifteen minutes, your partner can begin to stimulate your scrotum and your prostate, either by putting a finger inside your anus and massaging your prostate through the wall of your rectum or by pressing on your perineum.