How to have Intercourse Without An Erection

Intercourse without an erect penis

There is a myth in our world – the myth of the ever-hard and ever-ready penis. Most men probably believe that they should have an erection whenever they are in a sexual situation – and most women probably believe this too.

But there’s some point in a man’s sexual life beyond which he’s going to need physical stimulation to get an erection – and the older he gets, the less reliable his erection is going to be. (Of course any guy, no matter how young or old, may lose his erection if he’s in a sexual situation where he isn’t aroused or if he’d prefer to be with someone else.)

If you have a soft penis, and you want a hard one, there are lots of alternatives to deal with the situation.

Firstly, you can masturbate your penis until it’s erect, or your partner can do it.  Secondly, you can try non-erect intercourse. You need to use the best sex position you can for this purpose. Let me explain how it’s done. Your partner will be lying on her back, with her right leg over your hips.

You lie at forty-five degrees to her body on her left side, facing her. You hold your penis in your right hand and rub your glans up and down, from side to side, and all around her clitoris. You need plenty of lube on your penis and her vulva for this. 

The idea is to focus only on the sensations, not on getting an erection or becoming aroused. So you focus on what it feels like for you as your penis head rubs on her clitoris – and she focuses on what it feels like for her as your penis-head massages her sensitive tissues. This should be both a sexual and a very pleasurable experience for a woman in bed with you.

Neither of you are spending any time thinking about what you should be doing, what you expect to happen, or what is happening. It’s just a pleasant thing to experience!

What to do if you lose your erection during sex

If you do develop an erection, or a partial erection, you can insert your penis about an inch into her vagina, but the idea of non-erect intercourse is to enjoy the feeling, not go all the way to full penetration, so if you do enter her vagina, then pull out again and continue moving your penis over her vulva and clitoris, perhaps re-entering her a little way from time to time.

After five minutes of partial insertion and clitoral rubbing, you can gradually increase the amount of penetration and decrease the clitoral rubbing. If you do this for at least fifteen minutes three times a week, even if you feel bored or uninterested, you may well find that your erectile capacity increases.

However, don’t expect an improvement in your erections if you simply don’t want to be with your partner, for non-erect penis intercourse is not a way to extend a relationship that has passed its sell-by date. It’s much more about getting sexual energy flowing and re-establishing arousal and sexual self-confidence in a man whose wilting penis has led to a cycle of negative expectations causing a failure to get erect, leading to not getting erect, and thereby confirming his belief that he won’t get erect ever again.

Finally, though you may have erectile dysfunction caused by a physical problem, such as diabetes, which may make it harder to treat, all erection problems can be lessened to some extent.


Erection Problems – Erectile Dysfunction

Erection Problems

Most men fear losing the ability to have an erection more than anything else: apart from the fact that sex is impossible, most men judge their masculinity and manhood by their ability to get erect and have sex with their partner.

The loss of hardness in erection is known as erectile dysfunction. There are two kinds of erectile dysfunction: complete erectile dysfunction and partial erectile dysfunction. Complete erectile dysfunction is when the man cannot get any sign of erection at all.

Partial erectile dysfunction is when the man can get a strong erection during foreplay, but loses it as he tries to penetrate his partner, or very shortly after getting his penis into the vagina and certainly before he can bring either himself or his partner to orgasm.

Let’s take complete erectile dysfunction first. The first point about erectile dysfunction is that in many cases it is caused by a psychological issue; e.g. fear of one kind or another, feelings of acute sexual inadequacy, feelings of resentment of the partner or a desire to punish her. This is explained in this book.

Fear Produces Erectile Dysfunction

In the largest number of cases, however, it is fear of becoming impotent that produces the erectile dysfunction; in other words, the old ‘vicious circle’. While it is true that a few young men just can’t get an erection, it is men on the threshold of middle age who represent most cases.

It is, perhaps, natural that this should be so because as a man grows older, not only does his sex drive lose some of its strength and frequency, but his ability to achieve and sustain a strong erection is weakened slightly.

It is when he notices this deterioration that he begins to fear the worst; even though such fears are usually groundless, he fears he is going to fail to get an erection and this fear does makes him fail; or he fails to get an erection on one occasion, panics, fears that he may be impotent next time, and is.

The point about this kind of fear-induced erectile dysfunction is that the cause for the first failure may be very easily corrected.

Physical Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

Before going on to consider psychologically induced problems in more detail, it’s appropriate to mention the physical causes, which include diabetes (which leads to nerve damage), high cholesterol (which occludes the arteries leading to the penis) and high blood pressure.

These issues need the attention of a doctor qualified to treat physically induced erectile dysfunction.

In these cases, erectile dysfunction is caused by some disturbance to the proper functioning of the sexual apparatus.

Such a disturbance may attack the nerves and interfere, either with the brain or spinal cord, or with the tracts through which the nerves run or, with the endings of the nerves themselves.

Erection is brought about initially by the centers in the large brain. The messages from the brain to the penis travel down the spinal column to the erection centre, which is a kind of junction box located about four or five inches above the base of the spinal column.

From the erection centre they travel along the sexual nervous system to the erectile tissue of the penis.

When these messages are received, the erectile tissue, which is a sponge-like material, fills with blood, which enters the tissue at a faster rate than it leaves it, and the penis becomes erect.

Any damage to the nerves along this very extensive route will result in the messages not reaching the erectile tissue, and the penis will remain soft and limp. All sorts of disturbances can afflict this important nervous system.

There may be a circulatory or an inflammatory condition which results in congestion of the sex glands or urethra.

Psychological Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

Psychologically, one of the main causes of functional erectile dysfunction is exhaustion. Exhaustion is less frequently found to be the cause in young men, but is very common among middle-aged and older men.

Other causes of the impairment of sexual function in older men include boredom with sexual partner, stress, mental or physical fatigue, overeating and/or excess alcohol consumption, certain prescription medications, is partner, and fear of failure during sexual performance.

Boredom with the sexual partner is one of the most common causes of male erectile dysfunction, and one which need never happen.

Varied sexual activity is not only more exciting, but will stop a relationship from foundering on the rocks of boredom. But far too many men are lazy lovers unprepared to learn new sexual techniques and positions.

It is unfortunate that some men tend to be nearing the apex of their career simultaneously with the arrival of middle age, when the sex drive and some of the physical-sexual functions are beginning to taper off a little.

A man may be eager to reach the top or, if at the top, to make himself more financially secure for retirement, and in doing so, he has little time for other interests, even sex.

If only he would make sex one of his chief alternatives to business, he would be surprised how the mental and physical reaction that inevitably flows from a good fuck, would better equip him for dealing with his life in general.

This failure of sexual function around mid-life has been called the andropause.

Sex, however, is strangely persistent in forcing its attentions on men of all ages. It does so even on the man who has ‘dropped out’ of sex.

He hasn’t the energy or desire to be sexually active, but he is nevertheless subconsciously aware of what he is missing and tries to compensate for his loss of sex by drinking too much or eating too much, or both.

He has given up sex because of his other preoccupations, but by over-drinking and/or overeating he makes absolutely certain of undermining his sexual powers more than his preoccupation and the slowing down of his sex drive could do by themselves.

The man who overdrinks and overeats needs to take himself in hand, stop drinking, lose weight, and then deliberately restart his sexual activity with a sympathetic and physically active partner who can provide him with the stimulation and the stimulus which will persuade his penis to respond.

A physically and mentally fatigued man can always get an erection if he wants to, though it may take a little time for the penis to respond.

If the partner plays the active part in the sex and the man just lies there and lets her have her way with him – so that he does not add to his mental or physical tiredness – he will experience intense orgasms which will make him so relaxed that the tiredness will quickly vanish, especially if he can sleep afterwards.

Drugs As A Cause of Erectile Dysfunction

Quite large numbers of drugs affect the sex drive and cause temporary erectile dysfunction. This is particularly true of antibiotics and other anti-depressant drugs.

Unless the patient realizes that it is the drugs that are causing the erectile dysfunction, the first time the penis refuses to become erect he is likely to panic, fearing the worst – that he will never be potent again.

Unless he knows that the erectile dysfunction will only last while he is using the drugs, and that when he has stopped using them all will be well again, he will, by his fear, make himself impotent.

It Happens Once – And Then Again and Again

Many causes of long-standing ED are caused by one single failure to achieve erection. Every man experiences erectile dysfunction at one time or another. The cause may be one of many a very heavy bout of smoking or drinking, or some other temporary dysfunction.

The man who can shrug off one failure, or even two, is in no danger of becoming permanently impotent; on the other hand, the man who is struck by fear of becoming permanently impotent on account of one failure may develop more prolonged erectile dysfunction.

The usually virile man who suddenly finds himself impotent should say something like this to his partner, ‘Sorry, it’s not going to work this time. It will be all right next time!’ and then masturbate his partner manually or orally.

Afterwards he should think over what he has been doing lately and try to come up with a possible cause from those listed here. If he is not able to find one, he should seek medical advice.

Situational Erectile Dysfunction

There is one type of erectile dysfunction which is intriguing. A man may be impotent with his woman, and yet have a strong erection and complete intercourse with another woman.

This is a classic case of psychological erectile dysfunction and may result from resentment against the woman, fear of what she may say about his sexual inadequacy, and so on, though the root may lie in problems with the relationship, which has nothing to do with sex.

By contrast, a man may be able to make love satisfactorily with his regular partner, but unable to take part in lovemaking with another woman.

Quite often, when he has got into bed with the casual partner, he finds himself impotent. This is brought about by feelings of guilt at being unfaithful to his relationship, though he may be totally unconscious of having such feelings.

Low Testosterone and Erectile Dysfunction

Now and again, deficiency of testosterone is the cause of the erectile dysfunction. The sufferers from this cause are usually late middle-aged and older men, but some young men can develop the same deficiency.

In older men, the deficiency in naturally produced testosterone can be made up by injections or the implantation of pellets of testosterone.

This treatment does not work for all men, but this technique has produced some quite dramatic recoveries. Combined with Viagra, the results can be dramatic. Injections or implantations work in older men because the testicles have usually stopped producing testosterone.

Can anything be done to correct erectile dysfunction which is not the result of high testosterone deficiency in older men? In almost all cases, yes, provided the cause of the erectile dysfunction has been discovered.

When the possible organic and functional causes have been eliminated, those cases in which a psychological block is the source of the trouble can be treated with behavior therapy . Therapy comes strongly recommended with any sexual dysfunction.

This method relies upon the co-operation of a sympathetic and understanding partner, who is taught how to stimulate the man’s penis in a ‘non-demanding’ way. (Click here for more on this.)

When this has produced an erection which can be sustained for some minutes, ‘non-demanding’ penetration takes place; that is to say, the penis is put into the vagina but it is perfectly understood by both partners that the man will not be expected to reach orgasm or ejaculate.

The man lies on his back and the woman faces him kneeling; while bending forward at an angle of 45 degrees, she inserts the penis and slides back on it, rather than sits on it.

When this has been successfully accomplished at three or four consecutive sessions only then does the woman make pelvic movements. This happens on a further one or two sessions, and then the man also makes pelvic movements. The whole treatment for erectile dysfunction is described here.

What if no erectile dysfunction treatment is immediately successful? The main need for restoring erection is to make possible the insertion of the penis in the vagina.

For the great majority of couples this is a deep psychological need. It is also a fact that many impotent men can be stimulated to orgasm and ejaculation while the penis is limp.

If, therefore, some means can be found of getting the flaccid or semi-erect penis into the vagina, this is a major step to repairing the psychological issues caused by ED.

And the usual method is to use a vacuum pump and constrictor ring to induce an erection and then ensure the penis remains semi- or fully-erect.

Partial erectile dysfunction

In such cases, a man begins to make love and has a really strong erection, which he is able to sustain all the way through foreplay.

But as he moves to penetrate his partner (or to put a condom on), he suddenly loses it; or if he has been able to get his penis into the vagina, it goes soft on him before either partner can reach orgasm.

The causes of partial erectile dysfunction are much the same as those which induce full erectile dysfunction – resentment against, a desire to punish the partner, feelings of guilt or shame, and so on. Some cases, however, have their origins in one particular incident which created fear of discovery just at the crucial moment.

As one young man said: When we first got married Jane and I had to live with her parents for a month or two while the repairs to our own house were being completed.

We were making love one Sunday morning before getting up and my penis had only been in Jane’s vagina for a few seconds, when suddenly the door opened, and in walked Jane’s father with a cup of tea. Jane cried out and I jumped off her. My penis, which had been so stiff that it ached during foreplay, went absolutely soft in a flash.

Her dad made some jocular remark, but was obviously embarrassed. When we had drunk our tea we tried again. But it was no good, even though we locked the bedroom door.

No matter what Jane did to me, I just couldn’t get another hard on. We’ve been in our own house eight months now, and though I know perfectly well we can’t be disturbed, because there is no one else in the house, we have never been able to finish intercourse in the proper way.

I get a magnificent erection during foreplay, and then when we try to have sex, I go all soft – just like that. It’s been like that every time we’ve tried to have sex, and we are both going up the wall with frustration. Please, what can I do to get things right again?

This is a difficult case to treat, the more so because the young man recognizes the cause of his partial erectile dysfunction. The answer is either therapy or the program for restoring sexual function which is available on the internet.

All cases of specifically psychologically caused erectile dysfunction and partial erectile dysfunction are capable of recovery if the victim is prepared to put a bit of work in, and if he has a partner who truly understands his problem and is prepared to co-operate also. So long as the penis is capable of erection in any way, there is hope.

The best test is ‘morning erection’, or nighttime erections, the spontaneous erections a man finds he has during sleep or on waking. If he has nighttime or  morning erections, then he cannot be truly impotent, even though he may not respond to any form of sexual stimulation.