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How to enjoy self pleasuring more

The first technique that you can use to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body, and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable.

As you learn to relax, you will discover more and more areas of your body in which you’re holding muscular tension – this will include the areas around your genitals, areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings or experiences.

Learning to relax, and to apply the relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.

The next way in which you can help yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated with sexual arousal!

When you overcome your inhibitions about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when you have private time and no-one will observe you. It’s important that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share them with your partner.

One: Rock your pelvis backwards and forwards, and up and down. This, of course, is one of the basic movements of intercourse – the thrusting movement of the pelvis. Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.

Two: Arch your back and thrust your hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he thrusts downwards and into you.

Three: Bring your knees up to your chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an embrace between your legs.

Four: Bend forward from a standing position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover standing behind you.

Remember that you only need to do as much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your body in this way during sex.

A great way of becoming more comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the ultimate in female sensual dance. It’s actually a very sensual – if not sexual – expression of feminine grace and femininity. 

Sexual Fantasy

We mentioned above that sexual fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the importance of fantasy in women’s sexual lives – and thereby in your own sexual life – are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy Friday.

These are collections of women’s fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and ideas that make you feel sexual.

Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that – fantasy. It’s kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part, fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.

Pornography and erotica are not inherently bad. Whether or not they are morally correct is a decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time. The same is true of course of your fantasies.

One problem with fantasy is that you may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during sex.

It’s possible that such connections represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.

Ways to increase your enjoyment of fantasy

Remember that your fantasy does not have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought, feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous, loving….whatever you wish.

You can also blend your reality – for example, when touching yourself – with your fantasy – for example, imagining that it is your partner’s hands which are touching you as you play with your own genitals.

The next step

Have five or six sessions over the next fortnight in which you use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises. Try one or two of these techniques during each self-pleasuring session so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.

Reservations and Inhibitions Around Self Pleasure

Sexually experienced people know that sex is not just about the body and its responses. For that reason, if at the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards.

Yet our bodies are naturally sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is often a taboo subject in the family as they grow up. Most of us were given negative or mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew up. Take a moment to think about what messages you were given by your parents and teachers about sex and your body.

Have you accepted all their beliefs wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas completely? Your parents did what they thought was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a person.

Your body is unique, and you have the right to self-pleasuring, which is a wonderful celebration of your body. If you realize you have inhibitions about sexual pleasure (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) you find shadow work with a qualified facilitator helpful in overcoming these blocks. 

The Power of the Mind: Finding Your Favorite Fantasies

When you start to experience pleasure and arousal in your sessions, you may find some of the ideas that most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose consciously.

This is your unconscious mind at work, and it can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel shocked or guilty about their fantasies: but the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of women’s fantasies – and you might even find a new one that turns you on!

We would like to emphasize at this point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of being human. There’s nothing wrong with this, provided that the material which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women. 

Oddly enough, some women who are opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard to recognize their own arousal.

Experiments conducted in the 1970s demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you measure arousal by vaginal lubrication.

However, when questioned, many of these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials.

It may also reflect the fact that a lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own bodies. Again, we would like to emphasize that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to become more aware of your sexuality.

You may even find it necessary to move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel aroused.

Things to look for include vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and mentally feeling sexual aroused – whatever form that takes for you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?

Benefits of sexual pleasuring

It’s important to remember that even if you have reservations about masturbation, it’s only by continuing to explore your body that you will become comfortable with your sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to focus on the potential benefits of self-pleasuring. These potential benefits include greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your own body.

So at this point we would like you to consider what it gives you the greatest pleasure in bed. For example, did you notice that different kinds of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.

And of course this does not apply only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.

One of the biggest concerns that women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or not they are feeling sexual arousal.

However this is actually very unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you begin to “watch” your own feelings and responses, and you become a spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.

If you find that this is happening to you, simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body. Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.

You probably realize that not every session of self-pleasuring will be the same. On occasions you will be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow. On other occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are making.

This is exactly the way the personal growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so. It’s also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is what it is. However, we encourage you to focus on the positive pleasure you get after each session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well.

So, for example, even feeling just a little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the things that didn’t go as you would have wished.

Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn’t go very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to do for your friends and family? If so, try and choose a time when you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and self-pleasuring exercises.

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and You

There are few things more frightening to the average man than an attack of impotence. Suddenly the penis, the ultimate symbol of maleness, refuses to get hard.

A soft penis equates to failing to assert one’s masculinity, failing to lead, to dominate, to push through obstacles, and, most of all, not being able to enjoy the ultimate expression of masculinity – penetrative sex.

Video – erectile dysfunction

So what should you do if you have erectile dysfunction?

First, see a doctor to rule out any physical causes, then, if there’s no obvious medical problem, take a close look at your thoughts and feelings about yourself, your life and your relationships.

Sometimes, especially in mid-life, impotence is caused by a mixture of psychological and physical factors like worries about aging and lowering of testosterone – and a low testosterone level can prevent you getting hard erections and may even mean your penis loses some of its size.

Physical causes of erection problems (erectile dysfunction)

Many illnesses – ranging from flu to chronic tiredness and more serious issues like heart surgery – will deplete the body’s resources to the point where your penis just won’t stand up. Usually things return to normal when you are well again. You also need a good emotional and sexual relationship. The causes of erection problems are discussed in this book.

Diabetes is the most common cause of impotence. About half of all men with diabetes develop erection problems.

Arteriosclerosis, which is the buildup of fatty plaque deposits on the walls of your arteries, may also impair your erection. Your penis simply can’t get enough blood through the narrowed arteries to become erect.

High blood pressure is another factor. Of course it’s a serious problem in its own right which frequently leads to a stroke and/or a heart attack, so have it checked regularly. The resulting injury can damage the the walls of the erectile chambers, which then heal in such a way that the penis cannot become fully erect.

Sadly, about a third of all men who receive radiation treatment for prostate cancer develop erection problems because of radiation damage to the nerves involved in generating an erection.

And another prostate operation called transurethral resection, which is performed to alleviate problems associated with benign prostatic hypertrophy (i.e., non-cancerous enlargement of the prostate), produces erection problems in 10 to 15 percent of men.

Mid-life hormonal problems, mentioned elsewhere on this website, can cause erection problems. 

Body builders or sportsmen who take anabolic steroids risk shutting down their own natural hormonal system. They usually lose their sex drive and stop having erections. Their penis may also shrivel up. They look big, though.

Smoking certainly isn’t good for your penis. There’s a clear correlation between smoking and non-erection, lower sperm counts, and depressed testosterone levels. It’s also been suggested that smoking will, over time, cause your penis to shrink. Dr Pedram Salimpour, of Boston University, believes that smoking causes a loss of elasticity in the blood vessels of the penis, just as it does in the blood vessels of the lungs and heart. However, the vessels in the penis are much smaller, so constriction in this area may have much more severe consequences.

Drugs prescribed for anxiety, depression, ulcers, high blood pressure, among other things, can contribute to erection problems. Getting an erection problem after you’ve been given a drug to relieve stress seems somewhat ironic really, since the lack of an erection may well be even more stressful. In case you’re wondering, the prescribed drugs that can keep your penis from getting hard include: Barbiturates, hypnotics, tranquilizers like Valium, narcotics, both natural and synthetic, some high blood pressure drugs, some drugs used to treat angina, some drugs used to treat migraine headaches, ulcers, spastic colon, and glaucoma may impair erection. In addition, tricyclic antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs also may affect erection. 

And here’s a link to a site which explains how you might be able to cure erectile dysfunction and explains what causes it – physical causes & cures for erectile dysfunction – though of course, this may be harder if the erectile dysfunction is caused by diabetes or other physical problems like Parkinson’s disease.

Psychological causes of erectile dysfunction

If your penis is regularly erect when you wake, or you can masturbate OK, but you can’t get hard when you try and have sex with your partner, you probably have a relationship issue rather than a dodgy penis.

Even so, if your erections are fewer in number and not as hard as you’d like, you might want to get your system checked out by a doctor – particularly one who knows how to check male hormone levels. A prostate check-up is also a good idea for men over forty.

The first step is several lab tests: a glucose test to check for undiagnosed diabetes; a thyroid profile, because thyroid disorders may cause erection problems; a free and total testosterone test; and LH and prolactin tests – these are hormones involved in the erection process.

Your doctor may also order a study of penile blood pressure and possibly a penile arteriogram, a more sophisticated test of blood flow, to see if enough blood is reaching your penis to potentially raise an erection. 

If you never wake with a morning erection, your doctor should see if you have nighttime erections using a nocturnal penile tumescence test. That’s a test which involves attaching a gauge to your penis to detect erections while you sleep.

If you’re into Do-It-Yourself, you can simply get a row of gummed postage stamps, lick the ends and attach it snugly around your soft penis. If the perforations are torn in the morning, you’ve had a night-time erection. 

Whatever your doctor finds, the next step is to think about the emotional issues in your life that might be screwing up your erections. 

Strangely, erection problems often have the same cause as premature ejaculation: an excessive focus on performance and a perceived requirement on the man to perform.

 Whenever there is a focus on performance, the penis responds like an actor with stage fright – it stops performing smoothly, and sometimes stops performing at all.

So, simple as these suggestions may sound, they help many men rediscover their erections: relax, both in and out of bed; slow down your lovemaking; de-emphasize the role of the penis; try to develop a greater appreciation for whole-body sensuality; make love only when and how it feels right for you; and, above all, discuss any problems with your lover. 

Many types of fears and stress can be the cause of erection problems (especially if you’re primed with drugs or alcohol). Having sex for the first time often kills a boy’s erection.

Read what Dr Joseph Mercola has to say about erectile dysfunction.

Causes Of Erectile Dysfunction

So does having sex with a stranger, or someone who you don’t really fancy – casual sex is really not as exciting for most people as popular culture suggests. If your lover ridicules you about your performance or your penis size, this can make you lose your erection: once that’s happened, the fear of it happening again can be a potent erection killer.

Lastly, a very common situation where men lose their erections is putting a condom on: the answer is for the woman to do it for him. 

Stress kills men – it also kills their erections. Whether it’s the pressure of a divorce, job loss, injury, illness, business reversals, feelings of growing old, or criticism by someone significant, these things can all contribute to non-erection. 

Even positive stress can be just as bad for a man’s erectile capacity: a big job promotion, a sudden increase in responsibilities, or a cross-country move that uproots a man from old friends and familiar surroundings, will all have an impact on his sexual performance.

A lover’s career success can also engender feelings of inferiority and self-doubt that might contribute to an erection problem. 

Depression is a major cause of erection difficulties. Which comes first, the depression or the lack of an erection, is not always easy to establish, of course, but the result may be the same: a man who withdraws into himself, rejecting his lover or sexual contact with her, out of fear that when he needs to “perform” he will not be able to.

A man may resent having to comply with his lover’s demands or having to initiate sex all the time. He may get upset making love the same old way all the time.

And arguments about money, children, marriage, conflicting job schedules, sexual frequency, visits to relatives, or sharing the responsibilities in the household, can also take their toll on his erections. 

Even nowadays, in our supposedly enlightened times, men are not generally given permission to say “No” to sex. So how does a guy who doesn’t want to make love turn a woman down without hurting her feelings?

Cure For Erectile Dysfunction

In some cases, the use of Viagra will be a sufficient boost for a man to get over his temporary sexual anxiety and regain his sexual confidence. Other men may turn to a younger partner, begin watching porn movies, or give up sex altogether. But the real cure for erectile dysfunction is the one described in this book. 

An alternative approach to sex

Stopping intercourse temporarily and focusing on alternative sources of pleasure is a good idea for a man who isn’t getting erect. There’s no performance pressure if you don’t have to satisfy your partner vaginally.

For example, you don’t need an erect penis to give her an erotic massage or to play with her breasts! This approach allows you the time to get reacquainted with the rest of yourself, and gives you time to play as many sensual games as you and your lover wish.

In short, your penis isn’t your only sexual organ. You have fingers, hands, tongue, lips and every other part of your body as well – and using them may take the pressure off your penis.

Let your lover know what turns you on, and let her try it out, rather than thinking of sex as the penis-in-the-vagina-routine.

You may find that without pressure to perform, you respond much better than you expect. And she probably has a few things she’d like you to do to her, so try focusing on her rather than on your erection for a change.

Masturbation

Masturbation can be a very helpful way of getting back in touch with your sexuality and your erections.

But you need to approach it in the right way: with a relaxed attitude, knowing that what you are going to do is for your pleasure alone. You can make it a sensuous, relaxed experience, with oil to lube your penis, and time on your hands to ensure it is a slow and unhurried experience.

You can masturbate, relax, resume, watching your erection rise and fall – which, by the way, is what erections normally do during lovemaking – and you can play with your testicles, scrotum, nipples, anus and any other part of your body that you want to enjoy touching.

The difference between this approach and the more rushed approach to masturbation that most men have is this: you are enjoying your sexuality and getting in touch with your body and its feelings and needs.

Approach the vagina slowly

You may find your erection disappears the minute you approach your partner’s vagina. There are several ways to lessen the chance of this happening. Above all, don’t feel any performance pressure. Breath deeply, relax, and make the experience fun!

Approach her vagina slowly, as many times as you like. Let her rub her vulva along your penis and scrotum without any pressure on you to insert and thrust. Instead, lie back and let her take control of insertion, preferably using the woman on top position.

Take it all slowly. You don’t have to get your penis fully in her right away – play with her. Enter only the outermost part of her vagina with only the glans of your penis. Tease her with small movements in and out. If you lose your erection, back off and enjoy more sensual touching and caressing before you try again.

Let her play with your testicles, nipples, anus, perineum, whatever. Suck her breasts, rub her stomach, play with her labia – above all, to repeat, avoid any pressure to insert.

And don’t worry if your erection flags: what this probably means is that you need to be more aroused before you put penetrate her. (As I mentioned before, though, if your lack of arousal means you don’t really want to be with her, this may have some implications for whether or not you stay together as a couple.)

What if this doesn’t work?

Then you have the option of turning to a professional sexual therapist for assistance. In the United States, the Association of Certified Professional Sex Educators will be able to give you a name of a qualified sex therapist. Or you might want to try something more sophisticated such a sexual surrogate. This is a partner who knows how to draw out your sexual responses and overcome any inhibitions or problems you may have.You could do a search on Google for “sexual surrogate”. 

If none of this works, there are still options open to you! 

There’s also Erecaid, a suction-based device, which elongates the flaccid penis temporarily into an artificial erection. It’s easily available on the internet, just do a search on Google for “Erecaid”. 

Psychological Causes of Delayed Ejaculation

Masters and Johnson – two sexologists back in the 1950s who started the world of real sex therapy – said that the most common causes of delayed ejaculation were:

• social factors like relationships, life events, personality traits and behaviors
• developmental factors like traumatic childhood experiences around sex
• conflicts of gender identity
• troubled relationships between parents and children or between parents
• negative family attitudes towards sexual matters
• anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, shame and anger
• low self-esteem
• lack of sexual information or influence of cultural myths
• a very poor body image
• fear of relationship commitment
• sexual performance anxiety
• disassociation and spectatoring during sex
• rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt or avoidance of sex
• hostility towards one’s partner or oneself.

Relationship Issues: Self and Partner

Video – spectatoring during sex

Relationship issues almost certainly have a role to play in causing delayed ejaculation. They may not be the whole explanation, but they are a large part of it.

A man who holds ambivalent feelings about his role as a man or partner in a sexual relationship may possibly “withhold” his ejaculation as an attempt to keep or increase power in that relationship.

And some psychologists say that a man who is over-controlled and fears “letting go” psychologically may symbolically hold onto his ejaculate as a metaphor for maintaining power in the couple dynamic.

But the intelligent explanation may be simpler: there may simply not be enough stimulation for the man to reach orgasm.

This could be because the couple are using the wrong technique or because they have simply become bored with their sexual repertoire. Or men may be over-concerned with pleasing their partners, because they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. That means they are unaware of their own sexual pleasure or arousal and don’t “notice” or respond to the stimulation they are experiencing.

Bernard Apfelbaum called this “partner anorgasmia”, because the symptoms of delayed ejaculation only show up in the presence of a partner. The difficulty that a man with DE has in obtaining sexual satisfaction (or even sexual arousal) with his partner is hidden behind a hard and prolonged erection, but this physical sign of apparently high arousal is actually associated with low levels of sexual arousal.

Apfelbaum believed that such an erection is not really an expression of sexual desire and excitement, but an automatic mechanism which the man uses to fulfill his partner’s expectations. He noted men with delayed ejaculation seem to be driven by a desire to satisfy their partner rather than to achieve their own satisfaction and take care of their own sexual needs and desires.

Some men are in fact, too conscientious, too controlled, and too aware of their responsibilities during sex – which they see as satisfying and pleasing their partner. This, suggested Apfelbaum, makes the man unable to satisfy himself, and gives the man an aura of being unable to enjoy sex, which in turn makes his partner feel that she cannot do anything pleasing for him.

This idea has a lot to support it; a recent study seemed to show that men with delayed ejaculation have significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than either men with other sexual dysfunctions, or men who can enjoy sex normally.

And even so, we must bear in mind that there may be other factors at work here, such as a reduced level of penile sensitivity, a lack of responsiveness to sexual stimulation, or some kind of physical problem (painful intercourse or a foreskin stretched over the glans – that’s called phimosis – for example). In general, though, these are rare.

Other psychological causes of delayed ejaculation

Psychologists suggest lifelong delayed ejaculation can be explained by fear, anxiety, hostility, resentment and relationship difficulties. So when we try and understand where a man’s sexual issues come from, the first task is to establish if the delay in his ejaculation is generalized or situational (in other words, is it specific to certain places or activities or partners), and whether it is acquired or life-long. These factors are explained in this book.  The USA version is available here, too.

But What Does This Really Mean?

Often men who experience this problem have had a strict upbringing in which sex was pretty much a taboo or shamed subject, and who admit to a tendency to be controlling in their own lives. Needless to say, this sexual energy is often sublimated into other areas, so, for example, many of these men have a great deal of drive which has taken them to the top of their chosen professions.

However, this tendency to be over-controlling is often inwardly directed rather than at others – especially when it comes to sex. These men may believe it is wrong to let go and show emotion, and they may have difficulty in showing their emotions in general. In short, they find it difficult to “let go”, where letting go is obviously a metaphor for releasing semen in ejaculation.

Thus delayed ejaculation becomes a symbol of an internal emotional process which centers on a man’s inability to let go and experience free-flowing emotions in both life and, more specifically, in sexual matters. There are some other factors at work, too: men may fear pregnancy or they may have some vaginal aversion, for example.

Personality And Emotional Characteristics of men with Delayed Ejaculation

Many men with delayed ejaculation seem to have a lack of self-awareness, and a tendency to externalize their feelings. Their connection with their own sexuality is weak, and they may find the prospect of looking at their feelings to be an unattractive one. There are often obvious connections between a man’s historical life events and the current sexual problems that he faces, although he may refuse to acknowledge those connections.

Men often think that there must be a physical cause for delayed ejaculation because this is easier to cope with than the sense that inhibited ejaculation may originate in emotional or psychological causes. They have also frequently have experienced disappointing sex or have a limited experience of sex. Often men with DE have been brought up in an environment which cut them off from their feelings and acted to harden them psychologically and emotionally, a process which has been described as one of “toughening up” and battling against physical or mental weakness.

They have often not had complete or adequate opportunity at puberty to develop strong male characteristics. On a more general level, sexual excitement or sexual activity makes us all see the world in a very different way from the way we see it normally.

Most men and women have a sexual life which is clearly defined and separate from everyday life. Most of us can slip between the two with a greater or lesser degree of ease – erotic thoughts can intrude on everyday tasks, for example, or we can be  distracted during sex by thoughts of everyday activities. But we move between the two without much difficulty. However, for some men with delayed ejaculation, moving into the erotic world can be challenging – the erotic world may be seen or somehow felt as dangerous. 

Lack Of Sexual Arousal in Delayed Ejaculation

Indeed, it seems that many men with DE wish to avoid entering their erotic world. In many cases they may not even be able to enter an erotic world, having no concept of such a thing in their minds….. if they wish to be erotic, they create an environment which seems erotic, but does not come from their internal sexual process. There is, in essence, no arousal.

Men who can’t ejaculate during sex may also have negative associations of male sexuality with violence and abuse. This also dampens down their sexual response. The power and vitality of their sexual life is weakened and their internal erotic world is unable to provide them with the arousal needed for successful sex.

Because aggression is a fundamental part of human sexuality, men who are turned off by aggression or violence will split their aggressive impulses from their sexual ones, and that further weakens their sexual desire and arousal.

However, an autoerotic occupation with fantasy and porn may be arousing enough to produce an orgasm during masturbation.

The consequence of all this is that men with delayed ejaculation may not be able to function sexually with ease: they may not, for example, be able to ask for what they want sexually; they may not even know what they want sexually.

They may not be accustomed to becoming aroused through the touch of a loved one, or they may not know how to get aroused by erotic stimulation. Because sex becomes mechanical and lacks real connection, they may develop behaviors which are essentially designed to avoid sex.